What's the opposite of baby fever?

Friday, November 06, 2009

I have friends who just looove babies. They'll stop in their tracks when they see a cute baby in public and oooh and ahhh over the little wrinkly pink creature in a stroller. They want to hold babies, coo at babies, and look at baby clothes.

My mothering instinct is hiding, because I don't coo, oooh, or ahhh at babies. (The exception is babies in Halloween costumes or babies wearing hats that look like they have animal ears attached, because that's just adorable). I don't want to hold or touch or cuddle babies.

In fact, whenever I'm visiting with a baby--particularly a tiny one--I'll stand with my arms crossed in fear that someone will thrust their infant at me so I can hold it. I don't want to hold the baby. I'm in fear of either dropping it or squeezing it too hard.

You know how, when you're a little kid, you pick up a baby rabbit or kitten or chick and squeeze it tight, because you just love it so much, and its eyes kind of bulge out the sides of its head because you're loving it a little too hard? That's what I'm scared of doing to babies. (Or dropping them. I don't know which is worse).

I'm awkward with babies. I don't want to suck up to them to make them laugh at me. I don't want to be drooled or barfed on. I don't like the way they stare, or cry when they get close to me. I feel like I emit anti-baby rays. Babies pick up on it and hate me immediately if I pick them up. They cry and blat for their mothers and I hold them out at arms' length waiting for someone, anyone, to come take the bawling troll away.

This is a bit of a concern because somewhere down the road, I'm sure that I'll want to have a baby. This is not my roundabout way of announcing my pregnancy. One, I'm not that subtle, and two, I like my eggs unfertilized, mmmkay?

But eventually I'm sure Peter and I will want to add to our little herd. And I'm afraid that when I do, I'll be so grossed out and uncomfortable with the baby that he or she will have horrible mommy issues. Kanye will show up interrupting and shit, "Listen here, Margaret White, I think you're a horrible mother, and I'mma let you finish. But Amy Wheaton is the worst mother of all time! OF ALL TIME!"

Everyone says it'll change when I "have one of my own". But for now, I'm going to continue to look at babies from afar, keep my arms tightly folded, and get an animal to practice on. Thank your lucky stars I'm not planning on procreating anytime soon.

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  1. Oh Amy! I am soo on the same page with you. I really "like" kids, but - you know - from afar.

    The true test came when my sister birthed my first nephew in August. It was a test alright. But, you know? It wasn't so bad. I held him (was careful with his wobbly little head) for a few minutes - and it wasn't so bad.

    And, I do believe (hear: beg and pray) that when I have my own, it WILL be totally natural and comfortable. So, here's hoping that what they say is true.

    In either case, I totally agree! Babies in hats with animal ears are freaking to die for!

  2. Em--I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way! :)