Yesterday I made a stupid mistake--I went to the mall on 20% Off Saturday with hopes of actually accomplishing some Christmas shopping and yummy bargains. How quickly those hopes were dashed. EVERYONE and their moms were at the mall yesterday afternoon. 20+ minutes to find a parking spot should have been a pretty good tip that the mall was going to be a zoo, but we braved it anyway.

Things escalated, I had an episode in Sears, and Peter had to usher me back to the car to avoid getting in a fistfight. We went home and wordlessly agreed never to bring up "the incident" again.

Here's an idea, storekeepers: host an afternoon during which shoppers pay 20% MORE to avoid douchebaggery. I would pay. I'm PO' and I'd still totally pay 20% more to be able to browse in peace, without being impaled by shopping carts or sweating bullets waiting in long lineups or having to ratch and dig through piles of sale merchandise like a groundhog making a burrow of sweaters and scarves. It's gross. I don't know what's worse to listen to: the baby screaming bloody murder or the hillbilly mom yelling at it to shut up or it's not getting any McDonald's.

Paying a premium for a calm shopping experience is something I'd be down with. Think about it: an environment where shopping carts, children, and more than five customers at a time aren't allowed. You and four others have full run of the store for 10-15 minutes. That's more than enough time to scout the place in piece, grab the items you want, pay and leave...very civilized. Very Zen.

Saving 20% is definitely not worth my sanity. I'd happily pay extra to make Christmas shopping into more of a pleasant and reasonable experience and less about popping Ativan and punching strangers in the face. You shouldn't have to resort to prescription drugs to check items off your Christmas list, and I for one am willing to cough up a little extra dough to ensure that's not the case.

It's the holidays after all. You're going to spend too much money, so why not ensure your shopping is as painless as possible? It's like a gift to yourself!

What could be more valuable than knowing your loved ones are getting gifts they adore, while you stay drug-free?

After all, if you're going to pop an Ativan to go shopping, you can't enjoy eggnog or Fireball the same day without worrying about side effects. Let's face it: the holidays are the best time of the year for festive drinkypoos. Now is not the time to be getting off the booze! Save that BS for after New Year's.

Cough up an extra $20 or $30, get your pressies, get out of the shops, and get a cocktail. Much more appealing than saving 20% on crappy, rushed gifts and crying all afternoon because you got stressed and slapped a child that wasn't yours. I think the choice is clear.