Bible Thumping

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Every night I hop up and down and yell, "I have to NaBloPoMo!" because I consider it a noun AND a verb. "Peter, what can I NaBloPoMo about?"

Peter sucks at giving blog topics. It's his one flaw, really. He usually suggests I write about whatever awesome thing he did on that particular day, the latest meal he cooked for me, how great he is at this or that, blah blah. Anyway, tonight when I demanded NaBloPoMo topics, we'd just come back from the gym in our building, and the Mormons on 9th (the ones that get locked out of their building when they go for runs at 6am?) were in there as well. So Peter suggested, "Why don't you write about what's up with the Mormons?"

I'm not familiar with what's up with "the Mormons" other than they wear ties and are super smiley and nice. But his suggestion did lead me to today's topic: religion.

I think anyone that meets me would be surprised to learn that I have indeed gone to church before and was actually quite involved in churchly things at one time. I have been told I don't necessarily emit the most God-like qualities, generally speaking. I disagree.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I too prefer wine to water.

Jesus wore flat sandals and dresses.
I wear flat sandals and dresses.

Jesus liked to preach to anyone that would listen.
I like to preach to anyone that listens.

Getting the drift? Just ask yourself, when you're tempted by Satan, WWAD? Then act accordingly.

My parents didn't go to church when I was little but when I started elementary school, my BFFs all went to Sunday school at the same Baptist church. I begged my parents to go because the cool kids went to Sunday school. My parents decided a little old-time religion wouldn't hurt anyone and thus my heathenism came to a screeching halt. I became a Sunday school regular. Eventually I started going to Awana on Wednesday nights. Other kids had Brownies...I had Awana. I memorized all the books of the Bible and can rattle them off to this day. I memorized Bible verses. I did cross-stitch crafts of...actual crosses.

In high school I continued going to my church's youth group and to Sunday school but things were starting to swing a little bit. Youth group was on Saturday nights. Parties were on Saturday nights. My parents had issues with some parties. They had no issues with youth group. I would get dropped off at the church at 6:30, wave at my parents, go into the church, run down the hall and out the door at the other end of the building, sneak through some bushes, go to whatever party was happening, and come back to the church by 10pm to get picked up. Did you know that drinking lemon gin has no smell?

I got away with this farce for months before my youth pastor ratted me out to my mother. Between that and an embarrassing Sunday school argument during which I (probably hungover from the previous night's "youth group") got into a heated debate with the youth pastor about whether or not women can become pastors (I said yes and he tried to tell me no...exsqueeze moi?) I stopped going to church. Between getting narced on and told that I couldn't be a pastor if I felt like it because I'm missing my bat and balls, which GOD neglected to give me I MIGHT ADD, church seemed like less of a good idea.

These days I go to church for weddings, funerals, and Christmas. And while I certainly don't consider myself religious, I do pray from time to time, which I feel guilty about because it's only when I want or need something. I like to believe there is something there, God or something like it, something that's in control and making good stuff happen. I find religion fascinating and the Bible has some amazing stories in it...but will I ever return to church regularly? I'm doubtful. I'll try to be an OK person, pray when I think of it, and hope for the best.

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  1. AMEN!

    WWAD? :)

    My new phrase I shall mutter to BF to make him adopt it as a real English phrase.

    For instance, I have taught him to say "crumbs" as "crumbles".

    I just die laughing of cuteness when he says "stop getting crumbles everywhere honey!"

    HEE HEE!!!!!!!!! *devil fingers for ears*

  2. "try to be an OK person, pray when I think of it, and hope for the best."
    See, that's a religion I could probably get on board with.

    Also, I can totally relate to the fella being a terrible source for blog fodder. I often turn to my guy when I'm stuck for a newspaper column, and his suggestions are generally based on whatever is directly in front of him, ie. beer.

  3. That's another thing you have in common with Jesus (as do I): dislike for religion. If you recall, he did an awful lot of preaching to the "legalistic" crowd who thought you had to obey all these rules. Then Jesus came along and was all, "Just love each other. Think you can handle that?" And then they promptly proved that - no, actually - they couldn't handle it. Anyway, great post! :-)

  4. @FB...crumbles? That's cute!

    @Sarah...haha...Xbox is recommended pretty frequently too :)

    @Em you're right. JC had some pretty forward-thinking ideas.