I've been slack blog-wise lately - it's not that I don't have anything to say, it's more that I'm lacking the time and/or attention span to put a proper post together. I have at least a dozen posts started and abandoned over the past two weeks.

We've been BUSY. On top of the usual working-full-time-with-a-toddler-and-obnoxious-dog routine lots of other stuff has been happening, which I'll delve more into later (not pregnant, still married, not moving away - just to clear up the three obvious conclusions.)

But April whizzed by at breakneck speed, starting with Easter, throw in a few birthdays, including my own, plus some other excitement, and yeah. Here we are.

*OR SO IT WOULD APPEAR

This morning, I got up at 6:00, bleary-eyed and crazy-haired, and opted to start my day with 60 minutes of cardio hell instead of something more sane and nice like sleeping or snuggling. I picked out my outfit in the semi-darkness and threw it on - gray yoga capris from Old Navy and my softball team t-shirt from last year (with my Twitter handle on the back...RECOGNIZE!) Needless to say, I try really hard to dress to impress at the gym.

Anyway, I went to the gym and suffered through an hour of cross-training madness. An old man lingered behind me when I was on the elliptical. He didn't seem to be doing anything useful, i.e. getting a drink of water or signing up for a machine. I kept giving him the side-eye backwards glare. Pervert. Who stands and stares at a six-months-pregnant woman's ass? It's bad enough when it's a regular ass.

I finished my workout which (unfortunately) included a few trips around the gym from machine to machine. I kept getting weird looks. Being all sensitive about being preggers I figured people are wondering if I'm actually knocked up or just fat. Listen, people, I'm at this gym six days a week - if I'm gaining this much weight without a bun in the oven you all better quit your gym memberships right now because IT AIN'T WORKING.

I went home and got ready to get in the shower, because, if you know me, you know that I refuse to shower in the gym, just like I refuse to watch reality shows about dancing or eat lobster.

I pulled off my pants and then I realized...I had grabbed the wrong pair.

THE PANTS THAT DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE.

See, I have two pairs of identical Old Navy gray capri yoga pants. And one of those pairs I wore when we were painting our living room...and I sat in some paint. Mocha-coloured paint.

It left a stain right on my asscrack. Like right at the poop spot. And ever since then these pants have been relegated to at-home use only. They are housecleaning pants, sick day pants, dog grooming pants. I don't even go out to the end of the driveway to bring in the garbage cans with these things because of the paint stain, which looks exactly like I pooped myself.




In my half-awake state and rush to get out the door I grabbed the poop pants and wore them for a solid hour in public and now everyone at my gym thinks I'm fat AND that I shit myself.

FABULOUS!

I'm throwing these pants in the garbage.

I've decided that since I can't seem to do anything and stick to it unless it's written down, I'm going to plan out my workouts for the coming week in my blog, and that way you guys can hold me accountable and yell at me via the Internet when I don't comply. Sound good?

I've been feeling pretty miserable and fatty all week, and it's a waste of precious time. I should be pumped about having things like arms and legs and lungs that can jump around and do stuff. Instead, I just spent my Friday evening eating homemade peanut butter and Reese's pieces cookies*, reading magazines, and playing Guitar Hero instead of going to the gym.

Here are my workouts for the coming week, beginning tomorrow...

Saturday, March 7:
-Running 45 minutes (intervals)
-Abs

Sunday, March 8:
-Running 45 minutes (incline)
-Upper body strength training

Monday, March 9:
-Mixed cardio 45 minutes
-Lower body strength training

Tuesday, March 10:
-Rest Day (Maaaaybe easy cardio, like a walk, if I'm feeling it)

Wednesday, March 11:
-Running 45 minutes (intervals)
-Abs

Thursday, March 12:
-Running 45 minutes (incline)
-Upper body

Friday, March 13:
-Cardio mix, 45 minutes
-Lower body

Brutal. Let's see how this goes.

*recipe for best and easiest cookies ever:
-1 cup peanut butter
-1 egg
-1/2 cup sugar (I used Splenda, because I like chemicals!)
-a handful of yummies (optional)...can be chocolate chips, M&Ms, Reese's Pieces, Smarties, etc.

1. Preheat oven to 325.
2. Mix all ingredients.
3. Drop batter in spoonfuls 2" apart on a cookie sheet.
4. Flatten cookies with a fork.
5. Bake for 15 minutes.
6. OM NOM NOM!