My coworkers have referred to me on more than one occasion as an "elevator snob" and I don't disagree. I hate elevators and I avoid them whenever possible, unless there's something cool about them, i.e. the CN Tower's glass elevator.

That being said, I live on the 15th floor of an apartment building and work on the fourth floor of an office building where the doors to the stairwell are locked (!?!?) in an effort to discourage physical activity. So, I'm in an elevator a bunch of times a day, and I still don't know how to behave in one.

1. I'm a fan of the "door close" button.
I don't like to be in the elevator when it's crowded. How am I supposed to check my teeth for food particles in the reflective walls and pick wedgies when I'm surrounded by people? As soon as I get in I hit "door close" even if someone else is halfway into the elevator. "Oh, sorry, I didn't even see you there! Ha ha!" Then I pout until I'm alone again to check teeth/pick ass.

2. I don't like pushing the Lobby button.
I read somewhere that more people touch the Lobby button than any other elevator button. Makes sense. It also makes sense that it's absolutely infested with germs and bacteria and living viruses and God knows what else. Another reason I like riding the elevator solo? I can push the buttons with my foot.

3. I don't like elevator small talk.
"Is it cold enough for ya?" Elevators are prime spots for this kind of talking. Solution: Stare at the floor number display. Act like it's fascinating, seeing what floor you're on. You can't possibly tear your attention away to chat.

4. I get genuinely offended when the elevator stops on the way to where I'm going to let others off and on.
This especially happens in the morning when I'm coming down from 15th to the ground floor. The elevator stops on 13 or 12 and I hufffffffffff and roll my eyes. When it stops more than once going down? End of the world. If anybody takes an elevator to or from the second or third floor I honestly wonder what is wrong with their legs. I don't know what it is about elevators but they bring out this vile impatient beast within me.

5. I hate when people hold the door for others who take foreverrrrr to get there.
I'm like this when people who have the right of way in traffic will stop and hold up the line to let some assclown turn left. Last summer a "nice guy" tried to let a car turn left and as a result I got t-boned and my car was written off. Don't be a nice guy! If they're ready to get into the elevator, they'll get into the elevator. If they're not ready to get into the elevator, another one will come along.

There you have it. Elevators. Not a fan.