I know that milk does a body good, but daaaamn, how much have you been drinking?

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

The other day at work, my deskmates started talking about pickup lines--weird ones, gross ones, and whether or not there's such thing as a good pickup line.

(We're always highly professional and productive at work. These conversations are a rarity...Brownies' honour.)

"What lines actually work on girls? What's the best line you've ever heard?" they wanted to know.

I had to give it some thought. Now that I'm all old and haggard and rarely go out without my significant other and/or my not-insignificant engagement ring, it's been a loooong time since I've heard the delivery of a pickup line; plus when I'm out in pickup situations I'm usually sloppy drunk. Think screeching, smeared eye makeup, beer spilled all over me, the works. Friends tell me I have a bit of a problem with "crossing the line" and that I'm "rowdy" and "boisterous" and even allegedly "revolting" and "embarrassing" when I've had a few too many. Whatever. Anyway, I had to really go deep into the ol' memory vault to recall some doozies.

I think my favourite one ever was, "You must be a parking ticket, cause you've got fine written all over you." I laughed at it, and genuinely found it funny, which is more than I can say for pretty much any other line I've ever heard. Did it work? No way. But I did laugh, and for a lot of guys, if you can make the girl laugh, that's a foot in the proverbial door. I would recommend trying something humorous and raunchy. If I hear a pickup line, I want it to be completely vile and gross and offensive, something a guy would get smacked for delivering to most girls.

I mean, let's call a spade a spade. You're trying to hook up with a total stranger. You aren't looking for a life partner or a mother for your unborn children. You don't want to establish a deep, lasting emotional connection. You just want to have a little no-strings-attached good time.

What's NOT a great idea is trying to be sensitive and suave when attempting to pick up. Even the most hammered bar star can pick up on this cheese factor from a mile away. When a girl is out having fun, she doesn't want to be told she has beautiful eyes or a delightful smile. Don't woo her. That's humiliating for everyone. If the victim girl DOES fall for your alliteration, she's probably the type that's going to stalk you for months after your ill-fated encounter. Ladies that respond to poetic trills and fluff generally aren't the kind of gals that go for flings sans followup dates.

For some inspiration, visit www.linesthataregood.com. I especially like the "innuendo" category. Here are a few examples:

Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you.
I'm an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

The fact of the matter is it's going to take a lot more than a corny line to appeal to someone you have your eye on. But if you're just trying to break the ice, being gross and inappropriate will either get you a laugh or a slap in the face.

What do you guys think? Pickup lines: disgusting or helpful? Any real winners that you've heard or used?

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  1. WORST: Are you a chicken farmer? Cuz you sure know how to raise the c***

  2. bahahahaha...that's terrible!

  3. haha I definitely think they're all bad. The ones you posted cracked me up!! I think the worst was when a guy came up to me in a bar my freshman year and said "you wore that dress for me, didn't you" and winked. CREEPY.

  4. cheesiest ... "hey, cinderella ... are you lookin' for a fella?" at a bar in calgary. i laughed at the poor guy.

  5. I giggled at this post!! Haha. I happened to be looking at Google Reader and it turns out pick up lines are on the minds of a few people these days.


    And who can forget classics like: Is that a mirror in your pants? I can see myself in them..