...when CBS starts airing Big Brother 11 and I have three fewer hours per week of free time.

...when my wedding invitations are in the mail and H2B and I give each other the most enthusiastic high five of life.

...when 6 a.m. rolls around tomorrow and I don't need to get out of bed because it's a day off work. CANADA DAY! HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAA!

...when the sun is actually shining on a Saturday or Sunday and I'm laying on a towel in the sand with a stack of US Weeklies and In Touch-es.

...when I discover the magical ability to balance work/friends/relationships/family/home commitments/me time/volunteering/relaxing/going out/being selfish/being selfless.

*That being said, I'm pretty happy now. I think "I'll be happier when" is probably a more accurate title.

Today's post idea is courtesy of Mama Kat's Writing Workshop. The prompt I chose: "I'll be happy when _________________". Thanks Mama!

Glamour posted a link to an article today entitled "8 Little Things That Can Make You Unpretty". Since Glamour is pretty much my favourite magazine, I tend to heed their advice. I once read an article that says if you're out shopping and you see a piece of clothing that you like, you're supposed to leave it and only come back and buy it a) if you still like it the next day and b) if you can name three other things you can wear it with and three places/occasions you can wear it. HUGELY helpful. I have no doubt saved thousands of dollars based upon that one article alone, so props to Glamour.

Anyway, here are the eight things to avoid if you don't want to further unpretty your pretty little self:

1. Snapping your gum. I'm guilty of this from time to time. I'm not an excessive gum-snapper but I definitely do it in the car. I'm OK with being unpretty in the car.
2. Wearing a perma-pout. I don't think I do this, but I know I can wear quite the sour puss sometimes. Mental note: smile more!
3. Being a mirror-izer. I should probably be more of a mirror-izer. I'm fully capable of passing a reflective surface without gazing upon my reflection. I also go around with food in my teeth and my skirts on crooked a lot. This is one of the 150397589251 reasons why I don't have children. I can barely look after myself!
4. Tugging at your strapless top. Oooh yeah, this is a pet peeve of mine. People need to wear clothes that fit!
5. Cursing like a sailor. *hangs head in shame*
6. Primping in public. I hate even applying lip gloss in the bathroom at a bar. I will sneak into a stall for touch-ups. I don't like to draw attention to myself, so very rarely will I do more than hand lotion or lip balm at my desk.
7. Publicly criticizing your own body. This is such good advice! I'm really bad for this, but how much fun is it to sit around with your girlfriends harshing on your bodies? Not so much! Also, guys are oblivious to flaws, so if you don't point anything out, GUARANTEED he hasn't noticed and thinks you're perfect. Don't ruin the illusion. Mum's the word.
8. Frying your skin. I spent a year with the Canadian Cancer Society. I wear SPF 40 on my face all year round. I would rather eat cat feces than get in a tanning bed, honest to God. That shit will kill you. (So will cat feces, right? I also just swore. See point 5.)

Thanks, Glamour, for the what-not-to-do reminders!

+ Cook one new meal every week.
+ Do a Friday happy hour that starts at the office at 4PM and lasts until 3AM (and involves making the taxi driver do a McDonald's run on the way home).
+ Go swimming many many times.
+ Go camping at least twice.
+ See the tall ships and buskers.
+ Have our invitations in the mail by July 5.
+ Have our honeymoon booked by July 15.
+ Refresh my iPod. Take off the songs I skip every time. That means you, Chris Brown!
+ Start actually USING my camera. Take new pictures every weekend.
+ Make a piece of jewelry that isn't so hideous I'll actually wear it.
+ Make a piece of art for the house.
+ Get my tailoring done. Busted sundress and ripped pants and hemming aplenty.
+ Have a get-together.
+ Hunt for beach glass. Build a sand castle.
+ Take a road trip.
+ Write out my story plot before I forget it.
+ Donate old clothes.
+ Throw away old magazines. I do not need Cosmos and Glamours from 2004 but I act like they're precious literature.
+ Pay off my library fines so I can use the library again shame-free.
+ Go to the "lady doctor" and the dentist.
+ Order new glasses.
+ See fireflies (I'm convinced they are mythical, but I also thought pirates didn't exist)
+ Go thrifting and actually find something worth buying!

H2B is a freaking culinary genius. Today he came in with a grocery bag containing the following extremely random things:

-quinoa salad
-bean and chickpea salad
-vegan "meat"balls
-chicken broth
-assorted hot peppers
-naan breads

...and announced he was going to make spicy chicken gumbo. Let's be clear: he has never looked at a gumbo recipe or even eaten gumbo before. It just seemed like a good idea. He cooked some of the chicken breast halves we had in the freezer, then cut everything up and mixed it together in a big pot.

I'm not sure if the end result was technically "gumbo" (I think the actual stuff is more heavy on the sauce) but it was delicious!! Really spicy and flavourful and filling--probably pretty healthy, too. He toasted the naan bread a little so it was warm and soft and we had some pinot grigio as well. Afterward we had a couple spoonfuls each of our favourite ice creams (moon mist for him, birthday party for me) and went to Shubie Park to play catch. I'm pretty sure we saw an epic drug deal go down across the ball field. We definitely got to hear some stoned kids playing the new Eminem on their parents' Intrepid's stereo. All in all, an excellent Wednesday evening and a nice little surprise date that was very sweet and a lovely end to an otherwise uneventful day.

I'm very lucky to have H2B, otherwise I'd never get to have gumbo and would have been stuck eating my leftover soggy lunch sandwich or some frozen perogies.

<3

Because the weather forecast for the remainder of the week is rain, and it's been raining since Saturday, today was a bit of an Emo Emu day. I put zero effort into my appearance, I have nooo motivation whatsoever to go for my run-or even get off the couch-and I had cookies AND Doritos for dessert (Scream Cheese Doritos, btw...totally inaccurate flavour name since they don't even taste cheesy.) I feel gross, and blue, and blah. I need a vacation...or even just a weekend during which I don't look at my Blackberry or crack open my laptop.

But since it's Tuesday and there's no vacation on the horizon, here is a little list of things I'm looking forward to, and that'll hopefully get me out of my funk.

1. July 1. Canada Day=a day off work!! Hopefully it'll be sunny. I plan on taking the ferry over to Halifax and drinking my face off all day at assorted patios. Rolling into work sunburnt and hungover on Thursday will be pretty sweet.

2. July 9. Big Brother 11 starts. It's my guilty pleasure. I don't watch much reality TV but I have to give props to the sleaziest of the sleazy. I've been watching the Internet for a glimpse of the houseguests. Nothing yet, but stay tuned!

3. Camping with H2B. We have a couple of spots picked out this year...if the sun ever comes back out.

4. The beach, a trashy novel, big sunglasses and some Coppertone. Perhaps some Coronas stashed in my bag. These are my favourite days, hands down.

5. After work drinks on a patio. This is best on a Friday, so you can continue until the wee hours. I love stashing comfy shoes in my work bag and ditching my cardigan so I can go straight from the office to party party party. I'm just realizing three out of five of my favourites involve alcohol...is this a problem?

6. Summer movies coming up: Transformers (I heard it sucked), Public Enemies, GI Joe...I know there are tons more. And Alice in Wonderland next spring, although it looks scary as heck.

7. Mini road trips with H2B.

8. Ice cream!

9. Family reunion in August.

10. Wedding shower hosted by my mom and sister...date TBD.

Now that I'm feeling a little less depressed, I think I can finally haul ass off the couch and get some exercise. Stupid Doritos and cookies. I can honestly feel fat cells swelling up.

What are you excited about?

There are people who would always rather read the book. There are people who would always rather watch the movie. Personally, I'm a book girl. I can barely name a time when I've read a book, then watched the movie, and been impressed.

Case in point: The Notebook. I read the book first and I thought it was overdramatic and sappy to the max. There's corny and then there's The Notebook. If you are diabetic, avoid The Notebook at all costs because you'll go into a sugar coma. If you are lactose intolerant, steer clear: this puppy's dripping in cheese. You get the picture. Yet I felt compelled to see the movie. HATED it. The book was comically corny; the movie made me want to punch the main characters in the face. They were not at all how I'd pictured them while reading the book and my level of disappointment after seeing the film actually surprised me. I hadn't realized I'd cared that much.

Some of my favourite books are being made into movies, and I know I'm going to want to watch the movies, but I'm buggin'. I'm convinced that the movie will portray them differently than I've been picturing them in my head and I'm scared this will ruin the stories for me altogether, which would obviously be quite the tragedy.

I saw a trailer for The Time Traveler's Wife, which I'm still reading. Amazing book, I'm really loving it, but there's Rachel McAdams, ruiner of The Notebook. And what's up with Henry? The book makes him sound more gaunt or rugged or something. This guy looks too clean-cut and...healthy? Colour me concerned.

The Lovely Bones is also being made into a motion picture. It's another of my favourite books and another that I'm hoping won't be ruined on the big screen.

One exception to the love-the-book-hate-the-movie rule was Confessions of a Shopaholic. I still preferred the book, and Isla Fisher was not at all what I was envisioning Rebecca would look like. Plus, the film took place in the US but the book was based in England, which bugged me a little. But overall the movie was fun and I didn't leave the theatre pissy and hating the Shopaholic series. Maybe because it was such a lighthearted and chick-litty read I didn't have a lot of strong feelings about it. For example, if Susie Salmon or her sister are blonde in The Lovely Bones, I'll probably flip out. I picture them as having dark hair, and I imagine the Salmons living in a yellow bungalow. If the movie deviates from that I don't know if I can handle it!

What about you...do you prefer the book or the movie, or both?

I think this is the first year I haven't made it home for Father's Day, which I'm kind of bummed about, since dad is pretty awesome.



He is super fun but works too much. I think his Father's Day resolution should be to cut his work by 50% but that will never happen. This is the guy that taught me how to ride a bike ("wherever you look, the bike will follow!" WHAM! Into the side of the garage), drive a car ("slow down. SLOW DOWN!" *crunch* Mailbox is lying on the edge of the lawn. "WHY DIDN'T YOU SLOW DOWN!!??") and always aim for the crotch when being bullied after coming home from school bawling for the 3000th time ("don't even warn him, just boot him. He won't bother you again.")

Words of wisdom that .

Thanks Dad! Happy Father's Day :)

I'm a stiletto girl, through and through. I wear high heels on weekends, running errands, out for coffee, to movies. I have the same perception of flats as I do of bikini briefs--unless I'm working out or so sick I can barely move, they don't see the light of day. Fashion trumps comfort every time. If given the choice of being 5'6" and 125 pounds or 5'10" and 125 pounds, I'll pick 5'10". I'll take any extra inches to my stumpy legs that I can get.

When I was in NYC in February and Toronto in April, however, I saw lots of fashionable ladies rocking the flats. Flat boots, ballerina flats, flats of all shapes and colours. Granted, these gals doubtless have a lot more on-foot commuting to do, whereas I drive to work every day and park in client parking spots about five feet from the building in the designated staff parking area which is a bit of a hike away. It got me thinking about flats in a new way. Maybe they aren't just shoes to wear to the gym and during bouts of vomiting. Maybe flats have a place in a work wardrobe too!

In May I bought some very basic black ballet flats and have been incorporating them here and there on weekends, and yesterday I wore them to work with my LBD. The freedom! The comfort! I had a meeting downtown (read: very hilly neighbourhoods) and didn't have to concentrate on not breaking my neck or avoiding sewer grates. My feet hadn't puffed up to twice their A.M. size by 6:00 P.M.

In fact, I liked them so much I got inspired to visit Payless last night and take advantage of their BOGO sale to pick up these babies:




I'm wearing a pair today, and it feels weird to be so close to the ground. Weird, but awesome.

I'm not fully converted to the flatlands but there will definitely be some mixing and matching happening this summer. It's easier to take lunchtime walks in the sun, hoof it to happy hour on a patio and scoot around town when I'm not getting tangled up in spiky heels. If I'm being chased, I'll be able to escape more easily. If I have to chase someone...say, an ice cream truck...I'm more likely to catch them. FTW!

My coworkers have referred to me on more than one occasion as an "elevator snob" and I don't disagree. I hate elevators and I avoid them whenever possible, unless there's something cool about them, i.e. the CN Tower's glass elevator.

That being said, I live on the 15th floor of an apartment building and work on the fourth floor of an office building where the doors to the stairwell are locked (!?!?) in an effort to discourage physical activity. So, I'm in an elevator a bunch of times a day, and I still don't know how to behave in one.

1. I'm a fan of the "door close" button.
I don't like to be in the elevator when it's crowded. How am I supposed to check my teeth for food particles in the reflective walls and pick wedgies when I'm surrounded by people? As soon as I get in I hit "door close" even if someone else is halfway into the elevator. "Oh, sorry, I didn't even see you there! Ha ha!" Then I pout until I'm alone again to check teeth/pick ass.

2. I don't like pushing the Lobby button.
I read somewhere that more people touch the Lobby button than any other elevator button. Makes sense. It also makes sense that it's absolutely infested with germs and bacteria and living viruses and God knows what else. Another reason I like riding the elevator solo? I can push the buttons with my foot.

3. I don't like elevator small talk.
"Is it cold enough for ya?" Elevators are prime spots for this kind of talking. Solution: Stare at the floor number display. Act like it's fascinating, seeing what floor you're on. You can't possibly tear your attention away to chat.

4. I get genuinely offended when the elevator stops on the way to where I'm going to let others off and on.
This especially happens in the morning when I'm coming down from 15th to the ground floor. The elevator stops on 13 or 12 and I hufffffffffff and roll my eyes. When it stops more than once going down? End of the world. If anybody takes an elevator to or from the second or third floor I honestly wonder what is wrong with their legs. I don't know what it is about elevators but they bring out this vile impatient beast within me.

5. I hate when people hold the door for others who take foreverrrrr to get there.
I'm like this when people who have the right of way in traffic will stop and hold up the line to let some assclown turn left. Last summer a "nice guy" tried to let a car turn left and as a result I got t-boned and my car was written off. Don't be a nice guy! If they're ready to get into the elevator, they'll get into the elevator. If they're not ready to get into the elevator, another one will come along.

There you have it. Elevators. Not a fan.

Completed Tasks:
-Ceremony and reception venues booked
-My dress is here
-Bridesmaid's dresses are here
-DJ is booked
-Photographer is booked
-Guest list is started
-Invitations are purchased
-Chinese lanterns aren't being weeded out (thanks mom! They're totally choking out her other flowers--she threatened to pull them but I convinced her to let them grow so I can use them in my centrepieces)
-Tuxes are picked out (not ordered)
-Engagement pictures are done
-Ceremony readings are chosen
-Honeymoon suite is booked

To-Do:
-Book ceremony music (we've contacted someone about this)
-Choose dinner menu
-Figure out the booze situation
-Find a cake
-Decide on flowers/decorations
-Dress fittings
-Choose a hairstyle
-Figure out if I'll get my makeup done the day of
-Buy shoes
-Order tuxes
-Finish guest list :( :( :(
-Figure out how to print invitations; address & mail
-Choose a first dance song >:( SO STRESSFUL
-Put an engagement announcement in the paper
-Book limo
-Register for gifts
-Buy wedding bands OR get our current bands engraved
-Plan LA HONEYMOON!!

Countdown to matrimony: T minus 128 days!
According to Martha Stewart, we've completed 31 tasks out of 105. SERIOUSLY!?
*shitting bricks*

I try not to repeat outfits within a two- or three-week time frame. I baaaarely ever wear the same article of clothing twice in one week (gym clothes being the exception, and sometimes shoes) and I like to wait a couple weeks before recycling an outfit. I know, I know, no one notices if you do repeat an outfit. It's hardly a tragedy. But even in elementary school I tried to wear my favourite sweatshirt no more than once a week. (It was a purple and yellow rugby striped sweatshirt with a collar. Clearly something so fabulous can only be handled in moderation.) I like variety and I feel bad for the clothes that don't get worn 80% of the time. They deserve a turn too!

I stumbled across The Uniform Project today and am really intrigued by the concept. Sheena Matheiken has seven identical black dresses (one for each day of the week) which she'll wear every day for a whole year. She chronicles her outfit on the website every day and uses different layers, accessories, and jewelry to liven it up. The project is a fundraiser for Akanksha's School Project, a charity in Mumbai, besides being an "exercise in sustainable fashion".

As of today Sheena's on day 41 and hasn't repeated an outfit once. What's cool is that it doesn't even look like the same dress from photo to photo--there are so many ways to change it up with a little imagination and some cute stockings or a scarf. I'm curious to see if she makes it a full 365 days without doing the same look twice.

It's hard for me to imagine wearing the same dress every day but the project is pretty inspiring--next time I'm tempted to buy another outfit, I'll try playing around with accessories, shoes, or other special touches instead. If a girl can wear the same dress for 365 straight days and always look fresh, I definitely do NOT need any more new clothes.

The other day at work, my deskmates started talking about pickup lines--weird ones, gross ones, and whether or not there's such thing as a good pickup line.

(We're always highly professional and productive at work. These conversations are a rarity...Brownies' honour.)

"What lines actually work on girls? What's the best line you've ever heard?" they wanted to know.

I had to give it some thought. Now that I'm all old and haggard and rarely go out without my significant other and/or my not-insignificant engagement ring, it's been a loooong time since I've heard the delivery of a pickup line; plus when I'm out in pickup situations I'm usually sloppy drunk. Think screeching, smeared eye makeup, beer spilled all over me, the works. Friends tell me I have a bit of a problem with "crossing the line" and that I'm "rowdy" and "boisterous" and even allegedly "revolting" and "embarrassing" when I've had a few too many. Whatever. Anyway, I had to really go deep into the ol' memory vault to recall some doozies.

I think my favourite one ever was, "You must be a parking ticket, cause you've got fine written all over you." I laughed at it, and genuinely found it funny, which is more than I can say for pretty much any other line I've ever heard. Did it work? No way. But I did laugh, and for a lot of guys, if you can make the girl laugh, that's a foot in the proverbial door. I would recommend trying something humorous and raunchy. If I hear a pickup line, I want it to be completely vile and gross and offensive, something a guy would get smacked for delivering to most girls.

I mean, let's call a spade a spade. You're trying to hook up with a total stranger. You aren't looking for a life partner or a mother for your unborn children. You don't want to establish a deep, lasting emotional connection. You just want to have a little no-strings-attached good time.

What's NOT a great idea is trying to be sensitive and suave when attempting to pick up. Even the most hammered bar star can pick up on this cheese factor from a mile away. When a girl is out having fun, she doesn't want to be told she has beautiful eyes or a delightful smile. Don't woo her. That's humiliating for everyone. If the victim girl DOES fall for your alliteration, she's probably the type that's going to stalk you for months after your ill-fated encounter. Ladies that respond to poetic trills and fluff generally aren't the kind of gals that go for flings sans followup dates.

For some inspiration, visit www.linesthataregood.com. I especially like the "innuendo" category. Here are a few examples:

Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you.
I'm an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

The fact of the matter is it's going to take a lot more than a corny line to appeal to someone you have your eye on. But if you're just trying to break the ice, being gross and inappropriate will either get you a laugh or a slap in the face.

What do you guys think? Pickup lines: disgusting or helpful? Any real winners that you've heard or used?

I'm leaving work in 10 minutes or less to hit the highway en route to New Brunswick (or, No Funswick as it's not-so-affectionately called), to visit my parents. After this week, which could be accurately described as frantic and/or ridiculous, I'm more than overdue for a little downtime in Frosty Hollow.

Yes, I grew up in a place called Frosty Hollow. Yup--it's about as exciting as it sounds, and is exactly why it's the perfect place to unwind. I have trouble fully relaxing in Halifax. I'm constantly "going" and "doing" in the city and weekends fly by. At home it's like time passes at a different rate and I can really relax there.

This weekend's plans include:

-fishing for little brookie trouts. By "little" I mean teeny tiny. Barely legal. Trouts is an exaggeration. Troutlets? Troutlings? Baby trouts? Is the plural of "trout" even trouts? *brain spasm*

-sleeping in.

-going for a run at the track.

-making a road trip to Moncton to check out the new H&M. YES, WE JUST GOT H&M IN ATLANTIC CANADA TWO WEEKS AGO. This is a bit of an epic occasion!

-bonfire.

-reading on the patio.

-visiting my dog and pony show.

-the dreaded engagement photo shoot.

-visiting friends.

Hopefully, being home for a couple days will be just what I need to get relaxed and refreshed for what promises to be an insanely busy week ahead. But we won't think about that just yet. Happy Friday!

Unless I'm drunk, I dislike getting my picture taken very, very much. Suffice it to say I'm more than a tad apprehensive about this weekend, when H2B and I have our engagement photos scheduled. I don't think showing up intoxicated to the photo session is the best idea, hence my worry. I'm not photogenic. I have probably the fakest, phoniest photo smile of all time--Tyra would not be impressed because my "smile with your eyes" abilities are right up there with my ability to drive a stick shift and handle raw chicken without gagging. I hold my body awkwardly and I forget to breathe. My grade school pictures are a parade of 12 shots of me looking epically uncomfortable. The camera is not my friend.

Plus, there's something about engagement photos that's just frightening. I've been doing some research on le internet and there is a superfine line between pretty, fun, romantic shots and disaster.

I have seen some cheesy-ass engagement pictures, both in real life and online. Gazing into each other's eyes, sprawled across the hood of a vintage car, leaning against a lighthouse, various Sears Catalog poses, the gross guy-hugging-girl-from-behind number. Behold, some of the cream of the crop of bad engagement photos. Bear in mind, these are based on a five-minute Google image search. I'm sure there are much, MUCH worse examples to behold...and apologies in advance to the couples I'm about to rip on.

exhibit A: (God, I hope they don't come across this post)...


The setting and the technique are actually quite stunning but she looks like she's been roofied and he's wondering if she's gonna wake up. "Should I shake her? Should I just leave her here and trot back over to the resort?"

exhibit B:


There is so much going wrong here. Namely, they're barefoot and they're in matching outfits. I am troubled.

exhibit C:


THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO BRING THE PHOTOGRAPHER AND SAY, "PLEASE, LET'S DO THE OPPOSITE OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!" This is the gross hug-from-behind complete with the full-on cow-eyes at each other.

exhibit D:


I hate everything about this. Oh God, please don't let these people find this post.

exhibit E:


Does anything about this shot look comfortable or natural or enjoyable?

In fairness there are plenty of cute e-pics that I've also taken the liberty of "borrowing" for contrast's sake. Here are some that I like.






See? They're not all bad!

H2B and I will give some thought over the next day or so as to locations and what to wear and such...nothing is really jumping out at us; we just want to look natural and relaxed, so I doubt we'll be too dressy. In terms of locations we're tossing a couple around: the beach, the covered bridge where we got engaged, the university campus where he went to school and I skipped Grade 12 French class to hang out in the university computer lab and use ICQ. We'll see.

If all else fails, I've got a quart of blueberry vodka and a half-full wine rack. Don't knock liquid courage. I might not remember the photo shoot, but my smiles will be genuine and I'll be having fun while the camera flashes.

Women's Health online offered up the following question on their blog today: What are your stay-calm at work secrets?

Being able to keep your wits at the office is one of the most important skills to have. No matter how ridiculous things can get, if you can maintain a calm demeanour and not let it show when you're freaking out, you're demonstrating that you're levelheaded, adaptable, and valuable in an emergency. Think about your coworkers--when poop hits the fan, who do you want to be working with? Probably not the cryer/screamer/hyperventilator of the bunch.

I have a few things I like to do when I start feeling crazy at work:

1. Get a coffee or a green tea. The coffee is probably not a good idea; I'm sure caffeine just adds to the agitation. But going to the kitchen to make a nice warm drink gets me away from my desk and gives me a little boost.

2. Browse blogs. I'll take 10 minutes to check my blog feed and read a couple posts, preferably funny ones.

3. Do dumb quizzes. Whether it's one of the countless Facebook tests (what old-school movie star are you? What's your porn name? How many kids will you have?) they're mindless fun and a great way to quickly unwind.

4. Listen to music. I plug into iTunes and Last.fm pretty regularly to help focus...this might be the best trick of all.

5. Make my dentist happy. I'll go in the bathroom and floss and use mouthwash. It takes a couple of minutes and makes my mouth feel all fresh and awesome so I'm not tempted to raid the chocolate basket in the lobby.

6. GTFO. Leaving the office midday helps manage the day one thousand percent and now that the weather's getting better I've tried to eat lunch outside as much as possible--it's so much nicer to go outdoors than spending lunch running errands at the mall or waiting for a bank teller. Even 15 minutes of fresh air or a quick drive around the neighbourhood can do wonders.

What do you do to unwind at work? Any tricks for not losing it when the going gets tough?