mamamonday: ups and downsMonday, January 23, 2012
Some days, I love being a mom and feel like I'm doing a good job. I love every second I get to spend with my little guy, even the gross things like getting spit up on and experiencing the joy of guacamole diaper blowouts. I love cuddling him, playing with him, reading to him, feeding him, and getting him ready for bed, and I wish he'd stay this tiny forever.
Then there are days where every minute feels like an hour. I feel like I'm trapped in a cage. There are days where I just want to get in the car and go somewhere, anywhere. When I cry because a trip to the Superstore is the exciting highlight of my day. When I feel like I've forgotten how to have an adult conversation or like I'm completely out of touch with everything outside my little bubble. I wish time would go by faster. I can't wait for Eli to be bigger, for him to be able to actually entertain himself for hours at a time. I can't wait to go back to work or be able to have a glass of wine without watching the clock to see how much time I have until I need to feed him again. These are the days when I question my ability to be a good mother. Shouldn't I be enjoying this more?
One of the things they never tell you: being a mom is one of the most tedious, boring things ever. Do you know how many times you can shake a rattle at a baby in a 10-hour period without feeling like you're going insane? Add the fact that the baby just screams back at you in response and it's even more fun.
This week on Facebook some mom friends of mine shared a link to this Huffington Post article, Don't Carpe Diem. The whole premise is that not every moment as a mom is a magical one. It's not all unicorns and moonbeams. There are days that suck. Your entire day could be monotonous, difficult, downright horrible, but if there are even a couple moments that bring a smile to your face, you're doing good. Realistically, that's what being a parent is. It's not all baby giggles and coos and sweet dreams. It's the hardest job in the world and once in a while something wonderful happens, like a big gummy grin at 3 in the morning, and that's what propels you along.
I was beginning to worry there was something wrong with me for not loving and exalting over Every. Single. Moment. with Eli, for wishing time away some days. Realizing that what's not normal is enjoying being a mother 24/7/365 is reassuring. In the time it took to type this last paragraph, Eli has gone from smiling and cooing to crying to smiling to crying again. And now he's staring at me and being quiet. Ups and downs. Get used to them.