Nightmare on Horizon Court

Friday, May 15, 2009

This morning I woke up around 5:00AM out of a horrendous so bad and so realistic that I had to calm myself down and convince myself, slowly, as I became fully awake, that it was just a dream.

I didn't dream of monsters, ghosts, or zombies. I dreamed I was pregnant!

When I shared this with a couple friends today, expecting to get a little support, all I heard was "wow, what's wrong with you?" or "Don't you and H2B want to have kids?" I ended up feeling like some kind of female pariah, as though the fact that I like my eggs unfertilized for the time being makes me a soulless beast, I should be pining for a baby to fill my vapid life, and the fact that I'm not is completely bizarre.

Here's the thing: I do want a family with H2B, involving multiple babies. Just not right now. And not for a little while yet.

We're getting married in October and I would like to have some time for us to enjoy being a couple, just the two of us. I see us buying and furnishing a home, going on spur-of-the-moment road trips, beach days, weekend getaways and nights out, before we have to start baby-proofing everything and interviewing babysitters. I love the way things are right now, and I'm not ready for our lives to change that drastically.

I know that I can't wait too long to stop playing and get down to baby-makin' from a purely biological point of view. However, I juuuust turned 28*. I feel like waiting another couple years before popping out a little 'un is not unreasonable.

The bit about it that honestly frightens me the most is the actual pregnancy and the piece de resistance that tops off the entire magical experience: THE BIRTHING. Besides the fact that the term 'birth canal' gives me the dry heaves, let me elaborate:

1. Having a human being GROWING and LIVING inside me is one of the freakiest concepts I have tried to come to terms with. It's like a little alien invader sucking in all your vitamins and energy to feed itself. HELLO, TAPEWORM?
2. I hate throwing up. Morning sickness is going to cause mucho dramaz.
3. My regular alcohol and drug use will have to be reduced considerably during pregnancy. I'm kind of kidding about this. But I am a little worried about the effects of caffeine withdrawal.
4. I am completely, one thousand percent put off by the fact that they can put a man on the moon and no one has come up with a way to give birth that doesn't involve either getting sliced open or pushing the equivalent of a watermelon out of a vagina. HAS NO ONE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS AT ALL? I think science is completely backward in terms of priorities. Let's look at some statistics, hmm?

Number of babies born annually: 80,000,000
Number of astronauts in space EVER: 482

Alternate options for giving birth that *I* am proposing as vast improvements on the current method:
1. Osmosis
2. Nests (a simulated womb, but call it a nest so it sounds less clinical and creepy. A baby-nest. Make it all dark and uterus-like so the baby feels comfortable. This idea's got legs. Solid gold, Jerry!)
3. Magic
4. Storks

All kidding aside, one day, I'm sure I'll be thrilled to be a mom. But in the each their own. When my friends announce they're pregnant and have little ones, I'm really happy for them. But I think it's easy to forget that we're not all on the same timeline, and just like having a growing family is a beautiful thing, having a growing family when you are ready for it is pretty important, too.

*28 YEARS OLD. I know, right? I can't believe it either.

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  1. hhahahaha hilarious post. I've had this nightmare as well :)

    28-- you have plenty of time!! I do the "count" in my head a lot... I'm in grad school, and I know I'd like to continue for the next 5 years... so I'll be done at around 28... and I want time to start working/make money/live outside of school before having children!

    Also-- I think about the 10 month absence from caffeine and alcohol. Especially since after that, you're breast feeding (no matter how mature you are, that is awkward to say/type), and so you're not supposed to have that stuff then either!

    They just need to figure out how to get men to have the baby.

  2. Storks! Brilliant! The being pregnant part is OK by me, but the birth part is pretty overwhelming.

  3. I am SO with you on the freakiness of something leeching off your nutrients from inside you. People get antibiotic to clear up stuff like that.

  4. I like the nest idea or storks.

    French women call babies monsters, or little aliens growing inside..

    I definitely don't want to think about childbirth. Why does it hurt now but it didn't seem to hurt in the past? Women popped out babies then a couple of hours later, went out to finish the yard / farm work.

  5. Definitely agree with the waiting for the right time part.

    You have to make sure you can provide the best environment for your little one.

    I am wary of babies because of the HUGE time commitment. But everyone who has one says it is the best thing they ever did.

    Glad the lady has to take care of most of the grunt work though... lol

  6. Thank goodness I am not the only one creeped out a little by having a thing growing inside of you and having to get it out of a very small space!
    I totally had a dream I was pregnant the other night. I used it as an excuse to eat lots of dessert in my dream. I also once had a dream that I had a baby who I left at home all day alone like a cat.

  7. hey a_money, congrats to the wedding in October and you would make a GREAT mother...because you're funny and very mature and professional... plus you;d get lots of time with H2B (um Peter???) during the EI pregnancy leave...have a great weekend in the valley; I'm heaidng to the race track in SHubie AMP for some motorcycle racing to chill

  8. The dream dictionaries say that dreams of pregnancy symbolize new beginnings, not that you're actually prego; I only know because Ive had the same dream and thought of it as a nightmare too!

    As if carrying someone around for 9 months isnt scary enough, we then have to go through the birthing process. Neither are an appealing thought to me.

  9. Totally with you on that! Lots of my friends have babies and I don't feel ready. I'm selfish and want my ME time and want to be able to get up and take a trip when I want (or take a nap. he he.)! My parents even ask me when they are gonna get grandbabies. I tell them I kinda need a BF first! :-)

  10. @Sarah I completely forgot about breastfeeding, so you're right, that's reeeeeeally long to go without the fine things in life!

    @Lindsey the whole thing is freaky to me! Being able to rationalize my weird food cravings will be nice. Everything else, not so much :)

    @Ben it really sounds like a horror movie scenario, or at minimum a fungus.

    @FB I think French women have got it right!

    @Anthony Yeah, you guys are lucky...but you get to run to the grocery store every 10 minutes for pickles and ice cream for several months :D

    Erin...I laughed at the cat baby story...if only it were that easy!

    Pat...the year of mat leave would be the best part, for sure!

    Jackie...that's interesting and a huge relief!! Thanks for passing that along. I feel a ton better :) of my uncles told me YEARS AGO to start having babies because "It's a lot easier physically when you're 22 than when you're 32" Um really? What about financially, mentally, emotionally, and so on...I didn't take his advice obviously!

  11. God... you looked up how many astronauts have been to space thus far, didn't you? That's... *sigh*... And you call *me* a nerd.

  12. Joel...I did. The difference is you probably wouldn't have needed to look it up :)

  13. I very much agree with numbers 1 and 4.