We have a ghost in our office with a major appetite. No one has seen this ghost. No one knows when he/she comes out. We do know the ghost is hungry and has a penchant for things such as soy milk and Knorr Orange Soup--because these are just two of the things that have gone missing from the work fridge over the past week or so.

I'm writing this post from home because I went to eat my Orange Soup left over from Monday at noon, and it was gonzo, and I had to drive to Dartmouth to make food at home (oh, and lounge on the couch pantsless while watching The Hills on DVR, no biggie). Who eats half a carton of someone else's open soup? I could have spit in it, drooled, peed in it, infected it with swine flu, any number of things.

A coworker has been bringing soy milk to work for his coffee and that, too, disappeared at an alarming rate--as in, a two-litre carton was polished off in three days. That's not swiping a splash of milk for your coffee. That's drinking glasses and glasses and essentially bathing in soy milk.

How do you protect your food from the fridge gremlins?

I don't particularly want to start writing my name and the date on my food. You know how every office has that person that writes PAULA L. on every yogurt container and Lean Cuisine they place in the fridge, and when you go to grab your own Diet Coke or whatever, you notice the labeling and think, "what kind of a nerd writes their name and date on their food? Geez, Paula, no one wants to swipe your nasty-ass raspberry yogurt, you passive-aggressive asshole." And then you realize your Diet Coke has also gone missing. Cue sad face.

Meanwhile, Paula may appear to be an OCD food nazi, but at least come 12:00 noon she's om-nom-noming on her hummus and carrots rather than ransacking the office foraging for coworkers' old Twizzlers and stale Baked Lays to quiet her growling stomach. Oddly enough, people who are pathetic enough to steal food seem to be deterred by seeing a name scrawled on the container. Maybe they honestly think unlabeled food is public domain?

Tomorrow, I become a passive-aggressive Paula. I'm bringing Yellow Soup and it's going to have AMY written on it, large and in charge, all black Sharpie anal-retentiveness in front of God and everybody. So help me, if that soup goes missing, I will DNA all the dishes in the office microwave, track down the soup thief and lay the smack down real good. I can't even tell you the wrath that will ensue. Kitchen Goblin, someone else is going to be feeding your freaky food cravings from now on because Mama's going to be marking shit up.