The Ghost of Lunches Past

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

We have a ghost in our office with a major appetite. No one has seen this ghost. No one knows when he/she comes out. We do know the ghost is hungry and has a penchant for things such as soy milk and Knorr Orange Soup--because these are just two of the things that have gone missing from the work fridge over the past week or so.

I'm writing this post from home because I went to eat my Orange Soup left over from Monday at noon, and it was gonzo, and I had to drive to Dartmouth to make food at home (oh, and lounge on the couch pantsless while watching The Hills on DVR, no biggie). Who eats half a carton of someone else's open soup? I could have spit in it, drooled, peed in it, infected it with swine flu, any number of things.

A coworker has been bringing soy milk to work for his coffee and that, too, disappeared at an alarming rate--as in, a two-litre carton was polished off in three days. That's not swiping a splash of milk for your coffee. That's drinking glasses and glasses and essentially bathing in soy milk.

How do you protect your food from the fridge gremlins?

I don't particularly want to start writing my name and the date on my food. You know how every office has that person that writes PAULA L. on every yogurt container and Lean Cuisine they place in the fridge, and when you go to grab your own Diet Coke or whatever, you notice the labeling and think, "what kind of a nerd writes their name and date on their food? Geez, Paula, no one wants to swipe your nasty-ass raspberry yogurt, you passive-aggressive asshole." And then you realize your Diet Coke has also gone missing. Cue sad face.

Meanwhile, Paula may appear to be an OCD food nazi, but at least come 12:00 noon she's om-nom-noming on her hummus and carrots rather than ransacking the office foraging for coworkers' old Twizzlers and stale Baked Lays to quiet her growling stomach. Oddly enough, people who are pathetic enough to steal food seem to be deterred by seeing a name scrawled on the container. Maybe they honestly think unlabeled food is public domain?

Tomorrow, I become a passive-aggressive Paula. I'm bringing Yellow Soup and it's going to have AMY written on it, large and in charge, all black Sharpie anal-retentiveness in front of God and everybody. So help me, if that soup goes missing, I will DNA all the dishes in the office microwave, track down the soup thief and lay the smack down real good. I can't even tell you the wrath that will ensue. Kitchen Goblin, someone else is going to be feeding your freaky food cravings from now on because Mama's going to be marking shit up.

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  1. You could always write funny notes like:

    "Beware. Eat me and possibly contract [insert disease here]"

    Luckily in all of my work environments, I've been in close quarters, so I could keep a beady eye on co-workers walking in and out of the cafeteria with their sad little tupperware containers and/or making sad faces at me as I am om-noming on my delicious lunch and keeping an eye on them.

  2. I sort-of have the same problem.

    Before, I worked on the 6th floor and there were too many people for 1 fridge, and stuff regularly went missing. I moved down to the 3rd floor and it had been great (no food-stealing, no random mossy bits laying around) up until now.

    Now my things are being used up without my permission even WITH my name on them, and to top it off I put my really nice strawberry tupperware container in the dishwasher and it had disappeared the next day!

    There are only 8 people on this floor!!! Who would take it and leave behind the important part that keeps the fruit fresh!??! (Oh yes, they stole it but left the insert behind... now they will have a leaky non-fruit-preserving dish!)

    So pissed. I didn't want to write my name on everything, including tupperware, but I think I'm going to have to cross that line.

  3. Hahaha.. I like the humor in this post! But seriously, stealing someone else's lunch is sooo not cool..

  4. Would you really pee in your soup?

    No seriously...

  5. I have to be passive aggressive Paula in order for food not to be eaten. I totally relate to this post, so funny.

  6. I think it's time to invest in a mini-fridge that you can put by your feet at your desk. Added bonus - you'll just have to bend down to get your lunch!

  7. @FB I like that idea too. We had pizza at work today so unfortunately I wasn't able to try out my sneaky new tactics :)

    @Ginger serves them right getting a leaky dish! I also can't count the number of plastic containers that have disappeared...grrr...

    @Renee very uncool indeed!

    @Ben I maaaay pee in my soup. One never knows.

    @Sarah I guess a lot of people share the pain!

    @Jaclyn hmm, a mini cooler is not such a bad idea...