Sunday, April 05, 2009

Today I looked out the window to see an ambulance, a police car, and the coroner's van in our apartment building's parking lot. There are a lot of elderly people living in our building so we presumed that since there weren't any sirens or flashing lights, someone had passed away in their apartment this morning.

Even though I have no idea what happened, or to whom, it has been bothering me all day. The fact that someone died in the same building as me today is making me all kinds of uncomfortable. What was I doing when it happened? Did they suffer? Was it expected? Were they alone?

It's surreal to think that while I was eating my breakfast or putting my laundry in, someone down the hall or on another floor could have been dying. Somebody could have been finding their spouse or their parent or neighbour and realized they weren't breathing. Today is the worst day of somebody's life. Today is the day someone had to say goodbye to their best friend, their husband or wife, their mom or dad or brother or sister.

Thousands of people die every day and I never really give it much thought but now I've been thinking about death all day and it's making me kind of crazy. I hate thinking about it. I hate the finality of it. I hate saying goodbyes to anyone, ever. I've cried over pets dying...I think I've cried over plants! I can't stand the thought of losing someone close to me. I can't stand the thought of complete strangers losing people they love. I hate the powerlessness of it most of all--the fact that no matter what, when your time is up, peace out. I hate the fact that no matter how you choose to live your life, how well you take care of yourself, how much you try to be healthy, it's set in stone when you're going to die. When that day comes, you could literally trip and fall while you're walking down the sidewalk and hit your head a certain way and *poof*, you're dunzo.

I really hope that whatever happened in my building today was painless. I hope whoever died didn't suffer, that they had a good life and no regrets. I hope their family and friends have a good supportive network and that they're OK.

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