Listen, dishwasher, I've got some stuff to get off my chest. Some of it's not going to be easy, but hear me out, and save your questions for the end.

First and foremost, let me say I'm not too impressed by your so-called "performance" from this morning. I feel that you failed to perform your assigned duties satisfactorily. Essentially, it's supposed to work like this: we put the dirty dishes in. You wash them, and dry them, and you give them back to us clean. Not spotty, not with food still on them, but clean. Sparkling and shiny and ready to put back in the cupboards and drawers. Ready to eat off of without being able to identify what the last meal served on them was. Simples. It shouldn't take you two washes to get things clean. You're slipping, dishwasher. You're not holding up your end of the deal.

Basically, you have one job. Wash the dishes. It isn't your job to flip glasses upside down and fill them with grungy, gritty water for us to spill all over the floor and ourselves when we aren't paying attention. It isn't your job to throw fucking rice around and stick it to other cups and bowls. When we open you up, we shouldn't have to wonder, "did we actually turn this thing on?" or "what kind of a piece of shit dishwasher is this????" We put dirty dishes in. We put soap in. We turn you on. You only have to handle the washing part. COMPRENDE? It's not rocket science. You're like six months old. You shouldn't be shitting the bed just yet.

Dishwasher, I'm sorry we have to have this talk, but you need to start actually living up to your name and getting these dishes clean. I refuse to be one of those people that washes their dishes by hand before putting them into the dishwasher. When it gets to that point, your time is up. I'll rip you out of the wall faster than you can say Maytag Repairman. You do NOT want to be shown up by a dishcloth and a sink full of soapy water. Now show me what you're capable of. Quit dicking around and get this next load squeaky clean or you're getting the Jet Dry.


Yes, I'm having full-on conversations with our kitchen appliances. You don't talk to inanimate objects? Mmmm hmmm.