Reason #579325 why I'm a big baby...

Monday, July 05, 2010

I'm too shy to go to a sex store to buy penis-shaped accessories for a bachelorette party.

My sister's stagette is Saturday and today I went shopping for it. I got all the standard dollar-store accoutrements: the veil, the boas, a dice game, a scavenger hunt, et cetera. But something is missing from my bag of hot pink fun and games: there is a distinct lack of wang.

Unfortunately, Dollarama and the Great Canadian Dollar Store don't sell weiner paraphenelia, being respectable family environments, so my only option is to go to a bona fide sex shop. And in my town, such establishments are either (a) in sketchy neighbourhoods with unsavory characters lingering around outside looking for God knows what, or (b) in the very centre of the city located at the corner of an extremely busy and well-lit intersection.

So basically I have two choices: get shanked and left to die in a gutter full of empty Tim Horton's cups, or have clients/coworkers/friends/neighbours (because I KNOW someone's going to see me slinking through those doors no matter how sneaky I try to be) think I'm some sort of role-playing sexual deviant out shopping for strap-ons or flavoured lubes or whatever vibrating contraptions they sell.

I don't understand this shyness! Number one, I'm not shy. Number two, I'm not a prude. Number three, if someone told me they were too skeeved out to go to a sex store, I would make fun of them. When the shoe's on the other foot? I can't do it!

Because of my hang-ups, my poor (lucky?) sister is going to have a stagette party that's penis-free, unless there are some gutsier bridesmaids in the wedding party that are willing with putting their lives on the line to get a cup that's shaped like a wang.

I did pick up a bum pincher...

Look out!

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  1. and this is why online shopping was invented. Go!

  2. One cure for your shyness would be to order stuff online - I just did my bff's bachelorette back in May and I ordered some fun stuff on I got a Pin the Macho on the Man game, penis loot bags, penis drinking straws, etc. It came really quickly, the stuff wasn't too expensive, and it required no extra effort (or embarassment) on my part! However, the shipping cost is a bitch (about $25!) and considering it's this weekend it's a little late to order stuff online. Just thought I'd throw the suggestion out there anyway!

  3. I have some issues with buying wang-related items, too. I promise, once you do it and make it through the humiliation, everything is ok! haha...
    Love your blog! I nominated you for an award, so check out my latest post for the details :)

  4. I can completely sympathize with you! I'm not shy in the SLIGHTEST, but going into one of those stores to get stuff for my twin sister's party made me turn redder than Sour Cherry Heated Lotion... it was AWFUL.

    The butt pincher is funny anyway. I might get one just 'cause.... hahahaha

  5. I was so happy my stagette was mostly wang-free. Do you have time to order something online and have it shipped? Or maybe you can get another bridesmaid to come with you, that way you just look like you're having fun on a girl's day out together.

  6. They're actually not that bad inside! I say this because I WORK next door to a sex toy place and once you become okay with the fact that the clerks probably laugh at EVERYONE after they leave, you'll be in there 2 minutes, and there'll be penises for everyone :)

  7. Hahaha... I had that bum pincher!!! It's a piece of junk!! ;) I also had the "hottie thermometer"... where do they come up with this stuff? I only wish my bridesmaids were as shy as you.... we had a little TOO much penis at mine, including cartoon cardboard cutouts of various types of penises taped all over our suite at the W. Classy.

  8. i was so freaked out to go to one. I still don't like it! and no one cares what you're purchasing, but i still can't do it!

  9. Take Pete with you! Maybe that will help. Tell the staff why you're there they probably know exactly what you're looking for!

  10. *LAUGHING*

    "get shanked and left to die in a gutter full of empty Tim Horton's cups"

    I guess I wouldn't care as much to go into those shops. I'd just feel dirty coming out