Operation: Don't Panic

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

In six short days, we get the keys to our new home. Pete and I are both very excited. Only one of us is freaking out. Hint: this person wears makeup, drinks Diet Coke and occasionally menstruates. Any guesses?

How do men stay so bloody composed all the time? They maintain this veneer of calm no matter what's going down. Peter could be engulfed in flames and he'd just stop, drop, and roll like it's his job, without making a peep. I'd be a fireball running screaming into the night. I would burn to a crisp. Peter would dust himself off and go eat a piece of chicken and not even mention the incident again.

So, as per usual the moving thing is playing out like everything else we do as a couple, with me being an agitated witch and him remaining completely unruffled. Well folks, this move is going to be unlike any other because guess what? I'm turning over a new leaf. Welcome to Operation: Don't Panic.

Rather than being the crrrrrrrrazy wife who shrieks and cries and throws sharp things and acts insane when the going gets tough, I'm going to basically pretend I'm a dude. I'm going to put stuff in cardboard boxes and not shed tears about it. I'm going to purge my closets and drawers and not get sentimental about keeping things. The less stuff I keep, the less stuff I have to pack, is my new mantra. It all needs to get done, and I can either cry and bawl or I can shut up and do it, right?


I will put on my music and pack my things like a normal human being and not a tempermental hyena. I will clean the new house without stabbing anyone. I will paint the new cupboards and walls peacefully and reward my hard work with a nice cold Moose Light. I will remain presentable throughout the unpacking and decorating process and the new neighbours will not have to cover their kids' ears to muffle the sounds of my cursing.

And in less than three weeks we are going to be snug and cosy in our new, clean, pretty house and I'm going to look back and say, "That wasn't bad at all! Why was I such a psycho?"

Operation: Don't Panic commences now.

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  1. I love it. Totally hear you on the men vs. women front - it's the same with us, to the point we've even argued about it once or twice - when we booked our first vacation together I was JUMPING up and down and clapping, he? Said "I don't know if I've ever spent that much money before". We get the keys to our first place? I visit EVERY DAY and run around the house until we move in. He doesn't come by until moving day. Like a normal person. :) I'm faced with a layoff... I'm BAWLING MY EYES OUT every day for a month. He? Sends me to the spa to calm down. Sometimes I wish I were a little more even-tempered but I think it's the differences that make things exciting :)

  2. I give you 24 hours. No, wait. 12. I give you 12.

  3. If I don't stab anyone while packing/cleaning it will be a miracle! Congrats on the house!

  4. I did that and it completely worked.

    The best part is the emotional detachment when throwing clothes away:

    "I haven't worn it for six months, I don't need it. No, I don't even fucking WANT it."

    There's a perverse joy in it. You know you're doing something really bad and naughty but it feels really good to throw things away with such careless abandon.

  5. I actually think that Andrew's calmness while moving made me angrier!

  6. @Emily Jane--I know what you mean! I get overexcited (good or bad) about everything. Peter stays the same with an occasional burst of happy :)

    @sarah--No way.

    @Kelly--Thanks! I have come to the conclusion I'm even OK with the cleaning. It's the effin' packing I dread. Good luck to you too!

    @atencentgemjar--I'm going to throw out so much stuff. It's hard at first but once you've chucked a couple things you want to ditch it all!

    @Amy--that's 100% the case with me too. It happened during wedding planning. I kept having bitchy interludes just trying to elicit some kind of reaction to make me feel like I wasn't the only crazy one. It didn't work!

  7. Good for you! That sounds like a wonderful plan.

    BUT if you have a moment or so of panic, don't beat yourself up. Not that I don't think you can get through - I have faith! - but moving is STRESSFUL.

    I hope it goes wonderfully smoothly and that your mantra works perfectly.

  8. @Life of a Doctor's Wife I have already had a couple "moments" but I think I'm handling them pretty well so far :)