Last weekend H2B and I got to take part in one of the best rituals ever: zapping gifts for our wedding registry. It is truly something to experience. Even if you never plan on getting married, PRETEND, so you can zap shit. Having that zapper gun in my hot little hands made me feel more powerful than a lion tamer.

We decided to register at Sears because it's nice and convenient in even the most hillbilly Maritime communities, and the shut-ins can order gifts via phone from the catalog without even leaving their beds. So even though they can't walk or attend the wedding physically they can be there in spirit, showing support with a thoughtful gift hand-picked from our registry.

Turns out, there are lots of formalities before you are bestowed with the power of zappery. You have to fill out your names, wedding date, addresses, phone number, all that other unimportant information everyone wants to know. Boooooooooooooring. The whole time the gift registry chick was filling out our forms, I was twitching in anticipation. I wanted to shake her until the zappy gun fell out of wherever she was hiding so I could grab it and start picking out stuff. FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINALLY after the blood test, ink blot test, and urine sample we were given The Wedding Registry Gun of Fun and Presents.

We ran straight to Linens and went apeshit. We registered for so many sets of sheets. You can never have enough! A duvet! A duvet cover! A million towels! A bunch of fuzzy blankets and throws! Amazing. We zapped and zapped. By we, I mean I. I didn't want to give up the gun to H2B.

We went to Kitchen stuff. Do you know how much stuff you need for a kitchen? LOTS. There's a gadget for everything. I zapped shit I didn't even know what it was, just because it looked cool. A wok here, a pepper grinder there, a salad spinner, woot!! We zapped dishes that were a cool shape--we don't NEED dishes but they looked like fun. We zapped a knife block with about one thousand Henkel knives sticking out of it. Mirrors, picture frames, napkins by the truckload.

"Attention, shoppers. The store will be closing in 15 minutes," the loudspeaker announced. H2B and I looked at each other, eyes wide in horror. We literally ran around the store finding any last things we could zap.

We were feeling pretty good about everything when we finished up. Panting, we threw the zappy gun back on the gift registry desk with a sense of accomplishment, kind of like when Rocky makes it up the stairs and does his dance. The gift registry chick threw a folder at us and screamed "Get the hell out of here, and don't come back, riff raff!!"*

We got home and opened the folder. It was a guide to bridal registries. We read it a little late. Apparently, for a wedding with 150 guests, we were supposed to register for--get this--253 GIFTS. Even with all the psycho zaps we weren't anywhere close to that number!! Clearly we have to go back. We weren't hungry enough.

Next time you're bored, go to the nearest department store and just start registering for things. Wedding stuff, baby stuff, whatever. It's super fun and you feel extra cool doing it, and there's a chance someone will actually buy you something you like! WIN-WIN!