Inquiring Minds Want to Know

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The question is already being asked.

The question I dread most of all.

The question I've been warned about.

The question which, I'm sure, we're going to hear more frequently, ad nauseum, after October.

"Soooooo! When are you two going to start having kids??"





I'm never sure how to answer. The honest answer is, I DON'T know, straight up. Who does? Who can predict when they're going to get pregnant? Based on lacking psychic powers alone, it's a stupid question to be asking.

Second possible answer: I don't care. I'm neutral on the topic of having children. I don't yearn for them. I have zero mothering instinct--I can't even remember to water my orchid. Keeping a baby alive seems a little more complex. I like having spare rooms without cribs and change tables. I like being able to make spur-of-the-moment plans and use my blender for making margaritas, not pureed carrots. That being said, I'm open to having babies someday, and I'm sure I will. I'm just not that pumped about it at the moment.

It's not like my eggs are just drying up and blowing away like tumbleweeds or dandelion fluff. I'm 28. I have a good 10 years of baby makin' left. I'm hardly a post-menopausal dinosaur and I'm not really on the doorstep of it, either. What's the rush?

Because I can anticipate that I'm going to be asked about my reproduction timetable at minimum 20 times a day from here to maternity, I'm trying to come up with some clever responses. I need some help. So far I've got:

Q: "So, when are you guys having kids?"
A: "I'm not sure...congratulations by the way. When are you due? Oh, you're not pregnant? My bad."
A: "We're cutting back on red meat." *blank stare* "Oh, I thought you meant baby goats."
A: "I have to kick the mescalin and paint thinner first. Then we should be A-OK!"
A: "We put out a bunch of breadcrumbs but all we've been getting are pigeons. No storks."
A: "Where do babies come from?"
A: (carrying a kitten) "My baby is right here." Nosy broad: "That's a cat." Me: "Shhhh. She's sensitive." (patting the kitten which is also wearing a bonnet and diaper). "Hush now Captain Spectacular. It was a hard labour, omigawwwwwd. 36 hours. They cut me from poop deck to starboard. 9 pounds, 6 ounces. He's such a little handful, but he's sleeping from 9 o'clock straight through and only getting up at 4am for feedings!" (kitten claws and runs away) "Fuck I just lost my baby."

Like I said, I need some help. How do I handle the most irritating question of life?

You Might Also Like


  1. A: "I'm saving my special place for Bono."

  2. Hahahaha I'm definitely going to use some of these answers! We've been getting that question too, though usually it's a straight out "Are you pregnant?" ... Why, do I look pregnant? Dear God, guess it's time for Weight Watchers.

  3. We were married a year ago, are you correct this question becomes a skipping record in the soundtrack of life. I've perfected my response and it works every time.
    Q ....
    A "Oh you didn't hear, my wife just found out she can't.... (wait for really awarded, embarrassed look on the face of the interrogator) then follow with, "just kidding, but it's really none of your business anyway ;) "

  4. I got a good tip from a guy at a party once. Now that Matt and I moved in together, at every party it's "When are you guys getting married??" Soooo awkward when they ask the both of us together, like I'm going to say "Oh, I can tell you, since he explained all about when he's going to propose yesterday over dinner..."

    Finally, an older couple gave us quite the solution. "Just Say Monday." Anytime someone asks you something inappropriate and prying like that, just say, "Oh... Monday." They'll be confused and so it'll be easy to laugh and say "We're not sure. Anyway, how are things with you??" It sounds silly, but it really does work!

    But I like the one about goats, too... :)

  5. Just say that "time will tell" and walk away.

    My new brother in law started that line of questioning at the wedding.

  6. try bursting into tears.
    or laughing hysterically.

    any overwhelming display of emotion, actually, should work. confusion. fear ((i HAVE to HAVE KIDS?!)).

    or give a precise date.
    When are you having kids?
    "March 8th, 2012."

    "Oh we figure we can stop now. 7 kids is enough."

    should confuse the ask-er enough to get the hell outta there.

  7. I like heisschic's answer!

    You could also say that you haven't gotten to that chapter of "The Humpty-Hump for Dummies' book yet.

  8. I always liked my friend's response "we're not sure, but we're having fun practicing!"

  9. I agree with Heidi about the practicing. Another woman used to ask me all the time, and I finally replied, "I'll have kids when you stop being so damn nosy!"

  10. Oh my gosh, seriously people. I hate when people ask me this, my fertility is none of your business.

  11. Lots of very funny answers here. I like Anonymous' reply the best. Personally, I didn't give anyone the chance to ask - we bought a block of land, sold it, got engaged, got pregnant, bought a house, had another kid, got married, had a honeymoon baby. Buuuut... there are easier ways to avoid the question. I always do things the hard way. Hehe.

  12. Ironically enough I just posted something on the very topic on my blog today and then just happened to stumble upon yours.

    I still don't have an answer but I like all of the suggestions.