I have been going to the gym since college, ran track and played sports in high school, swam a few times a week throughout elementary and middle school, you name it--I have spent a lot of time in locker rooms--yet never once have I experienced the need to wander around a locker room stark naked. Is there something wrong with me?? Based on my observations, I seem to be in the vast minority.

Last night I walked into the ladies' locker room at the gym and pretty much got a faceful of ass, literally and figuratively. I get that it's best to apply body lotion fresh out of the shower so your skin absorbs it, yada yada, but c'mon, how hard would it be to wrap yourself in a damn towel while you bend over to lotion up your legs?! Especially when said towel is wrapped around your frigging hair. There was no towel shortage happening. Oh, there were towels available, but this free bird decided to grace us all with her ample naked ass-in-the-air glory.

The other day I walked in and saw the most ginormous boobs on earth--RIGHT THERE!! I was like SHAZAM! (I think I thought it and didn't say it out loud. Fingers crossed.) I veered sharply to the right and felt a little off for the next hour or so. You know how when you're a child and you see someone naked for the first time it's kind of shocking and you feel all weirded out and odd? Well, that's what this was like. Obviously this was not the first set of boobies I have spotted but these were definitely the saggiest, biggest, oldest ta-tas I've seen from that close range. I have no idea what sort of exercise this broad had been performing but I cringe in phantom boobular pain just thinking about lugging those things from the gym to the parking lot, let alone swinging around on a treadmill. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

I won't even get into the various stages of, ahem, grooming I have spotted in the locker room. I honestly don't look for this sort of thing but it's the same as how one would notice, say, a very wooly lamb or a rather large Persian cat attached to one's body. It's kind of hard to avoid observing. No no no no no. Towels towels towels towels for the love of God!!!!!! If you're going to bring fluffy animals to the gym, hide them!! New rule: No pets in the locker room!

Some would probably say that I'm embarrassed of my body and if I were more confident and comfortable I would be OK with parading around in my birthday suit in front of other women. Guess what: Even if I were freaking Angelina Jolie I would not be waggling my titters and bum in front of innocent bystanders. I don't have any big huge body issues; I have youth on my side (relatively) so things are pretty much located where they should be and I think everything looks the way it's supposed to. Yet I have never had the urge to tromp about the locker room in the buff. I don't feel restricted by wrapping a towel around or pulling the curtain closed in the shower. I'm not embarrassed...it's more out of respect for my fellow gymgoers who, like me, get a mild case of the dry heaves when confronted up close and personal with foreign jugs and patootie. Body confidence is great and I'm happy that these ladies don't have an issue with showing off their hoo-has and crotchal regions but I think keeping that sort of thing to one's own home is probably a good idea. There is no towel shortage in the locker room! I repeat: there are plenty of towels in the locker room!