Locker room talk

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I have been going to the gym since college, ran track and played sports in high school, swam a few times a week throughout elementary and middle school, you name it--I have spent a lot of time in locker rooms--yet never once have I experienced the need to wander around a locker room stark naked. Is there something wrong with me?? Based on my observations, I seem to be in the vast minority.

Last night I walked into the ladies' locker room at the gym and pretty much got a faceful of ass, literally and figuratively. I get that it's best to apply body lotion fresh out of the shower so your skin absorbs it, yada yada, but c'mon, how hard would it be to wrap yourself in a damn towel while you bend over to lotion up your legs?! Especially when said towel is wrapped around your frigging hair. There was no towel shortage happening. Oh, there were towels available, but this free bird decided to grace us all with her ample naked ass-in-the-air glory.

The other day I walked in and saw the most ginormous boobs on earth--RIGHT THERE!! I was like SHAZAM! (I think I thought it and didn't say it out loud. Fingers crossed.) I veered sharply to the right and felt a little off for the next hour or so. You know how when you're a child and you see someone naked for the first time it's kind of shocking and you feel all weirded out and odd? Well, that's what this was like. Obviously this was not the first set of boobies I have spotted but these were definitely the saggiest, biggest, oldest ta-tas I've seen from that close range. I have no idea what sort of exercise this broad had been performing but I cringe in phantom boobular pain just thinking about lugging those things from the gym to the parking lot, let alone swinging around on a treadmill. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

I won't even get into the various stages of, ahem, grooming I have spotted in the locker room. I honestly don't look for this sort of thing but it's the same as how one would notice, say, a very wooly lamb or a rather large Persian cat attached to one's body. It's kind of hard to avoid observing. No no no no no. Towels towels towels towels for the love of God!!!!!! If you're going to bring fluffy animals to the gym, hide them!! New rule: No pets in the locker room!

Some would probably say that I'm embarrassed of my body and if I were more confident and comfortable I would be OK with parading around in my birthday suit in front of other women. Guess what: Even if I were freaking Angelina Jolie I would not be waggling my titters and bum in front of innocent bystanders. I don't have any big huge body issues; I have youth on my side (relatively) so things are pretty much located where they should be and I think everything looks the way it's supposed to. Yet I have never had the urge to tromp about the locker room in the buff. I don't feel restricted by wrapping a towel around or pulling the curtain closed in the shower. I'm not's more out of respect for my fellow gymgoers who, like me, get a mild case of the dry heaves when confronted up close and personal with foreign jugs and patootie. Body confidence is great and I'm happy that these ladies don't have an issue with showing off their hoo-has and crotchal regions but I think keeping that sort of thing to one's own home is probably a good idea. There is no towel shortage in the locker room! I repeat: there are plenty of towels in the locker room!

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  1. I am DYING reading this post! OMG! I can't believe people do that! Given I am too shy to even go into a locker room at all, but good grief! I'm with ya on the towel thing! I can't believe people aren't more modest than that! Ya don't have to be prudish, but damn!

  2. I have to second the use the towel rule.

    I have seen enough fur bikinis to last a life time!

  3. LMAO! This is all true!!!

    However, I believe it is very important to clarify here (to your male audience), that the actual situation in a real-life women's locker room is NOTHING like in the movies. Nothing.

    Think cold shower.

  4. Aww, your no fun. I kid, I kid.

    But in all seriousness locker room nudity doesn't bother me, be it my own nudity or that of other women.
    I got used to locker room nudity in the group showers in junior high and high school.

    I somewhat agree that how you look doesn't play a part in how willing you are to get naked in the locker room. I'm relatively happy with my body, but I don't consider myself to have a Jolie or Aniston type body. But I need to say this...I'm straight, so don't get the wrong idea....but holy cow, if I looked like A Southern Newlywed or Shila Shila and Cult Jam I think I'd go naked 24/7/365. You two are gorgeous! You might want to rethink the shyness in the locker room thing? If you've got it, flaunt it.

    Now that I made myself sound like a lesbian, which I promise you I'm not... I do have to say that I think it's kind of nice when I or any other woman can let down your guard and spend some time in the buff in an atmosphere where there aren't any men and your nudity is not about sex. One of my favorite things to do to relax and unwind is when my girlfriends and I sit around in the women's sauna and chat. We like to go at least once a week to the gym together and relax in the sauna after our workout. We of course sit on a towel, for obvious hygiene reasons. But that's it, we don't bother with towels for any other reason. It's just the girls, and we don't feel a need to cover up in that atmosphere.

    Not to sound like I'm being critical of how you ladies feel. But if you don't mind, can you tell me why it is that nudity bothers you so much? Especially that of other women? I'm glad that I don't have issues with locker room nudity. I can just undress for a shower right at my locker and use one of the open showers rather than wait in line for one of the showers with a stall. Not being overly shy has it's advantages in situations like that.