I was six years old, sitting at the kitchen table eating Froot Loops and toast before school. My dad looked out the living room window, all nonchalant. "There's a turtle in the driveway!" he shouted. I dropped my spoon on the floor and dashed to look outside, squinting and looking for the alleged turtle.

Dad apparently thought tricking a gullible six-year-old first thing in the morning was quite the crowning achievement. "April Fool's! Fooled you!" he crowed and paraded around the living room like he was hot shit. I was so disappointed I almost cried.

Ever since that day, I've hated April 1. A day when it's OK to lie, trick people, and generally act like an asshat? It just seems wrong. I have exes who apparently live in a perpetual state of April 1.

Basically, if you participate in April Fool's Day, you're a horrible person.

Just say no and be nice today. And if someone announces today that they're pregnant or lottery winners, or that you're actually adopted, or that there's a turtle in the driveway, don't be stupid.

In other news: Happy Friday!