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Thursday, November 13, 2014

I've (barely) started my Christmas shopping, and a lot of it - most of it - is getting done online. I feel guilty for not doing more shopping locally, and constant 'buy local' messaging makes me feel shittier. I'd love to support local merchants and suppliers. I also leave the house at 7:15AM, get home around 5:45PM, and get my kid to bed at 8:00ish, leaving me exactly 90 minutes to get to a store, browse, and make purchases. And weekend shopping from here to Christmas is straight-up seventh level of hell. Frankly, if it's not done with the click of a mouse and delivered to my home, it's not happening. No one's getting gifts. Christmas is cancelled. But I still feel guilty about this.

At my previous job, we had a very impassioned speaker come in to teach us the importance of choosing organic, natural, whole foods that haven't been treated with pesticides or other contaminants. She told us that today's children are the first generation that will die before their parents because of the food we're all eating. That freaked me out and has stayed with me ever since. I choose organic food when it's an option probably 80% of the time, and of course I'd always rather buy the strawberries that were grown 20 minutes away versus the ones from California. But we also buy rotisserie chickens from Sobeys and non-organic dairy and Lucky Charms. Am I slowly poisoning my kid?

I don't call my parents enough. It would be easy enough to pick up the phone and call them but I have this philosophy that phones work both ways and my stubborn streak doesn't want me to have to do all the calling. So...we email. I feel guilty that our relationship is primarily online. I don't visit much. Again - the road travels both ways, right?

I have photos and videos of Eli all over the place. Various laptops, different devices. Nothing in an album, nothing organized. Can I really not block off a couple of hours to get this part of my life together?

I barely brush my dog, hence furry tumbleweeds in our house. He hates getting brushed, so it doesn't happen nearly as much as it should. Then I get mad at him for shedding. Then I feel bad about getting mad when it's essentially my fault. So I'm guilty of not only neglecting his fur but also blaming a dog that has done nothing wrong for making a mess.

I get home a little before 6:00, as mentioned. We get dinner ready, eat as a family, and have a little bit of time to play before Eli goes to bed around 8:00. You're right, I feel bad about spending three hours a day, max, with my son. When the weekend rolls around and I'm excited about a spa appointment or a gym visit or time with friends, it comes with a side order of guilt about not choosing to spend every free moment with him.

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  1. Amy, I hear you on just about every point here! You are preaching to the choir when it comes to dog hair.

    About Eli, do his eyes light up when you pick him up at the end of the day? Does he gabber about his day on the car ride home and then over supper (if he's anything like you, I'm sure the chatter is nonstop)? Do you laugh with him during bath time, and snuggle before bed?

    Then those are all the moments that matter!

    I feel the same way about Cameron sometimes, and I know that Brendan is getting a side order of neglect right now too. My weekends are Wednesday and Thursday, and I'm not home on the weekends until 4pm (my schedule is worse now, and I work 24 hour shifts from Friday-Saturday...gag).

    It is HARD to do everything that we feel we are expected to do, so we have to do the best we can for ourselves and our family. Right now for my family, I need to work as much as I can. Cameron gets to spend his weekends with Brendan, and that is super important for the two of them, so I'm okay with it.

    Long post. Hugs to you from afar.

    1. Thanks!! I know I'm not the only one who feels this way but it's so tough! I feel for you with the 24 hour shifts :(

  2. Honestly, I'm all about supporting local, and I'll buy the odd gift locally, but I'm all about cyber Monday and saving money. I'm not going to feel guilty about that!

    1. It's just so much more convenient. If I have to go to a store to pick up some things, I'd way rather make it a local shop than a big box store, but 90% of my Christmas shopping's happening online this year or it's just not getting done.

  3. I buy locally when I can, but I have done most of my shopping online, too -- it's just too hard to get out to "good" stores (we're over an hour outside of Halifax) and I hate dealing with crowds. So I try to frequent a locally-owned toystore as much as possible, and stick to online for pretty much everything else.

    My four-year-old made me feel very guilty last weekend because I spent quiet time (2-4) alone sewing, and he wanted me to play with him. Those couple of hours are my only kid-free, work-free time each week, so I insisted that Mommy needed quiet time, too -- but I felt horribly guilty about it. Guilt is a part of being a mom, I think.

    (Also: I'm pretty sure our entryways are exactly the same, except in reverse)

    1. We live in Middle Sackville, so not *that* far from the city, but even so it's a bit of a drive to get anywhere except the Superstore (hence why half our clothes are from Joe Fresh) :)