rainy saturday: November 2014

Currently//November

Monday, November 17, 2014

I've (barely) started my Christmas shopping, and a lot of it - most of it - is getting done online. I feel guilty for not doing more shopping locally, and constant 'buy local' messaging makes me feel shittier. I'd love to support local merchants and suppliers. I also leave the house at 7:15AM, get home around 5:45PM, and get my kid to bed at 8:00ish, leaving me exactly 90 minutes to get to a store, browse, and make purchases. And weekend shopping from here to Christmas is straight-up seventh level of hell. Frankly, if it's not done with the click of a mouse and delivered to my home, it's not happening. No one's getting gifts. Christmas is cancelled. But I still feel guilty about this.

At my previous job, we had a very impassioned speaker come in to teach us the importance of choosing organic, natural, whole foods that haven't been treated with pesticides or other contaminants. She told us that today's children are the first generation that will die before their parents because of the food we're all eating. That freaked me out and has stayed with me ever since. I choose organic food when it's an option probably 80% of the time, and of course I'd always rather buy the strawberries that were grown 20 minutes away versus the ones from California. But we also buy rotisserie chickens from Sobeys and non-organic dairy and Lucky Charms. Am I slowly poisoning my kid?

I don't call my parents enough. It would be easy enough to pick up the phone and call them but I have this philosophy that phones work both ways and my stubborn streak doesn't want me to have to do all the calling. So...we email. I feel guilty that our relationship is primarily online. I don't visit much. Again - the road travels both ways, right?

I have photos and videos of Eli all over the place. Various laptops, different devices. Nothing in an album, nothing organized. Can I really not block off a couple of hours to get this part of my life together?

I barely brush my dog, hence furry tumbleweeds in our house. He hates getting brushed, so it doesn't happen nearly as much as it should. Then I get mad at him for shedding. Then I feel bad about getting mad when it's essentially my fault. So I'm guilty of not only neglecting his fur but also blaming a dog that has done nothing wrong for making a mess.

I get home a little before 6:00, as mentioned. We get dinner ready, eat as a family, and have a little bit of time to play before Eli goes to bed around 8:00. You're right, I feel bad about spending three hours a day, max, with my son. When the weekend rolls around and I'm excited about a spa appointment or a gym visit or time with friends, it comes with a side order of guilt about not choosing to spend every free moment with him.