10 Places You Will Never Find Me

Thursday, February 04, 2010

1. lululemon. I understand that lululemon makes OMGGGGG THE BEST yoga clothing/workout gear/$95 zip-ups in the world, but every time I see the logo between some university student's shoulder blades, I kind of want to slam my face into the nearest brick wall. It's not that I can't pay $54 for a solid coloured basic tank top. It's that I won't!

2. In the locker room at my gym, naked or otherwise. I hate locker rooms and avoid them at all costs. I'm afraid of what I could see, potentially step on, or sit on. I leave my gym sweaty and gross, and go home to shower and change, every single time. I'd rather funk up my winter coat and have to sit in the car in unpleasantly damp non-lululemon gear all the way home than venture into the chamber of horrors changing room.

3. Any place where many small children are gathered (e.g. day care centre, birthday party, etc. I find kids frightening one-on-one. They're unpredictable. You never know what they're going to do next. Put a bunch of kids together and they feed off one another. Their evil forces grow and grow exponentially...children are bad.

4. At a Britney Spears concert. It's not that "I secretly like Britney and think she's catchy but won't admit it because it isn't cool" phase. The truth is, I wouldn't sit next to Britney Spears on a public transportation vehicle for fear of catching something.

5. At a Nicolas Cage movie. Nicolas Cage's face is like a cow standing in a pasture looking at a train going by.

6. At a go-kart track. I'm HORRIBLE at driving go-karts and I don't enjoy it at all! I can't go fast without ramming into stuff and getting yelled at by the staff, so I drive slow, and then I'm getting lapped by 7-year-olds. Then I get mad at the kids, floor my go-kart and end up being asked to leave, but not before giving the kids the finger and almost getting into a fistfight with their mom-slash-aunt-slash-tranny-hooker-guardian. (Totally hypothetical situation. Obviously.)

7. On a golf course. Golf brings out a horrible rage in me unlike anything else. I have golfed probably half a dozen times in my life and I haven't improved with practice. The last time I golfed, I got so furious because I couldn't hit the ball I kind of blacked out and smashed my (rented) 3-iron against a tree and walked off the course leaving my bag of clubs in the middle of the green. I won't be back, in particular not to that particular course.

8. Pretending to enjoy wrestling/UFC/MMA of any sort at a pay-per-view. I have girly-girl friends that act allllll excited because Georges St. Whatever and Mr. Jenna Jameson are fighting/making out on pay-per-view. Honestly, I think girls pretending to like UFC is the new "girls pretending to be lesbians to get drinks at bars".

9. At a recycling depot. I'm not proud of this but I never recycle my bottles and cans. Everything goes into the same garbage can. It's bad, I know. Not just for the environment...but all the extra money I'm literally throwing away!

10. At an all-you-can-eat lobster dinner. Lobster is one of about three or four foods I just can't eat. I can't stand the smell of lobster or the sight of a poor lobster's boiled head resting on the edge of a plate while some bibbed, buttery-faced asshole smacks away on its body.

What about you--what are some places you'd never be seen?

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  1. God damn this is a good post...I might have to steal the idea :) You'd never find me at any sort of angry white man rock show, like Korn or some such.

  2. I have a deep hatred for Nicolas Cage too!!

  3. I'm Toats with you about Lululemon - their clothes are nice but I refuse to spend $100 on a pair of yoga pants when I can go to Winners and get a perfectly nice pair for $30. I bought one pair of pants there once because I got a gift card from friends of my mom's (for Uni graduation, obviously not ppl who know me well) but I never would have gone in and bought anything otherwise. Even with the $50 gift card, I still had to pay $60 for the pants! I like them but still couldn't believe what I was paying for them...I might have to have to copy you and post 10 places you would never find me too lol

  4. OMG you're amazing. You made me laugh out loud at work with "Nicolas Cage's face is like a cow standing in a pasture looking at a train going by". :D

    I'm totally with you on the children thing and lululemon - same with Hollister *shakes fist*

  5. haha i totally agree with nicholas cage... he is sooo blah... and even in the movies where he has to be something a little more exciting, he still sucks!
    lululemon sucks too.

  6. 1. Some cliff getting ready to bungi-jump. Or in a skydiving plane.

    2. At an NBA game.

    3. Goodwill or someplace like it. I find it disgusting wearing other people's throw-aways, no matter how cheap. I'll donate my clothes, but I won't wear some stranger's sloppy seconds.

    4. In the maternity ward.

    5. North Philly.

    6. At an antiques show.

    7. NASCAR

    8. Going with the above theme, at a country music concert.

    9. In a space shuttle.

    10. And finally, Iraq.

  7. I'm not good at the whole golf thing either. They give you all this beer and then expect you to be quiet?!?! Psha. Yeah right. Do they know who I am?


  8. That is funny. I just wrote today about making friends in the locker room.
    I would say that you would never find me at a rave, skydiving, or living in a southern state.

  9. http://gathersnm.blogspot.com/2010/02/copycat-10-places-you-will-never-find.html

  10. walking around naked in a gym change room. eeeeeeeeuch.

  11. Amy--Steal away...and I totally forgot about Korn so it's funny to be reminded they used to exist :)

    Kelly--he's just so stunned!

    Kim--I'm a Winner's fiend too. You have to root for good stuff but it's there!

    Emily--I have never been in a Hollister but I ALMOST put Abercrombie on this list!

    Julia--no matter what the movie, or the role, his acting is exactly the same!

    Valerie--good list...I'd never be at Nascar either

    Court--the beer only helps for the first hole or two, then it just gets ugly.

    besswess--I went to one rave-type club once and it was one of the most awkward experiences I have ever encountered.

    Sarah--Ahhhh, me too!!

  12. Haha. Come on now! Nicolas Cage? Anyone else kind of like that movie Matchstick Men or how about Adaptation? Haha. He does look weird though, i'll give you that. Wicked blog!

  13. Wait, you don't even like National Treasure?

  14. I FREAKING hate the locker room too. I don't like seeing boobies everywhere. :( In fact, I left today after a crazy intense boot camp class and I was all sweaty the whole drive home (in my lululemon pants, btw lol).