Confession: I don't like being a wife

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

First of all, PETER, CALM DOWN. I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS AND THINKING "HOLY SHIT, IT'S BEEN LESS THAN THREE MONTHS AND OUR MARRIAGE IS ALL A BIG SHAM AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M BEING DUMPED IN A BLOG POST!!!!!!!" I love you and I love being married to you!

The thing I don't enjoy is the word wife.

I love being a wife. I love doing stereotypically wifey things, like baking and cleaning the apartment and making grocery lists. Being married is pretty much "da bomb". The kids still say "da bomb", right?

I love BEING a wife. I don't love being a WIFE.

Doesn't the word 'wife' just sound so negative? I think it conjures up images of a cranky, nagging, celibate, slovenly broad whose husband secretly (or perhaps publicly) wishes would fall into a bottomless canyon never to be heard from again.

I think there needs to be a new term to replace 'wife'. Something that doesn't bring to mind a hateful fun-spoiling housekeeper-slash-witch creature. Something that works for those of us who actually don't thrive on sucking the souls out of our hubbies.

Girlfriend is almost the right tone, but it's just a little flippant after the exchange of vows and income tax information.

I hate the term life partner, no matter who you are. Partner makes me think of square dancing, as in, "Swing your partner round and round!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!" So that's out.

Spouse is stupid. I don't need to explain why 'spouse' is a totally stupid word.

Thesaurus.com suggests terms such as 'companion' and 'helpmate', which both totally took me to the nursing home mentally. A 'companion' is a person who comes over and reads you articles from Reader's Digest, and a 'helpmate' empties your bedpan, and frankly neither activity interests me.

From this point forward, I would like to be referred to not as a wife, but as a Forever Girlfriend. Yes, we're all monogamous and in love and devoted to each other, blah blah blah, insert definition of marriage here, but we're still having fun and making each other happy. Does a Forever Girlfriend sound like someone who nags and lets herself gain 100 pounds in the first four months and hates all her husband's friends? Would YOU want your Forever Girlfriend to fall into a bottomless canyon? Not very likely. You would love her and be excited to spend every day with her.

I'm excited about my promotion to Forever Girlfriend status. I have a feeling I'll be happy about my new position for a long, long time.

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16 comments

  1. For years after my dad and step-mom got married, he called her his sweetheart. I've always liked that because it showed how much day to day affection they still have for each other.

    Don't know if that's the sort of thing that you and Peter would do, but maybe some food for thought.

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  2. Not that I have any experience with the term "wife", but I feel that I would (will?) feel the same.

    And, know what is annoying? "Husband" sounds like a perfectly endearing term. Like, I'm sure that many husbands probably adore the term and don't ever get a negative connotation like the term "wife" does. It sounds perfectly manly, upstanding and responsible. Definitely not the same way "wife" comes off.

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  3. Aubrey and FB...I like both 'sweetheart' and 'femme' better than WIFE. Thanks for the suggestions!

    Kimberly...I agree! Husband is so much nicer a word! Very annoying indeed.

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  4. This is exactly the kind of thing some wife would get all uppity about. Way to earn the word.

    I KID.

    You're totally right though, I hate the word. The 'I' sound in it is much too whiny and harsh sounding. No good.

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  5. The word 'wife' sounds too close to the word 'whiff' which implies stinkiness. That can't be good.

    'Husband' is actually kind of nice. Husbandry - farming, cute little animals running around in pasteurs. It all has an appeal doesn't it?

    You could be a 'spouse' but that's even worse. Rhymes with 'louse' and sounds like 'spews'.

    How about winja? That rhymes with ninja. About as cool as it can get.

    And the captcha I see typing this is 'mants' - how about that as a serendipitous alternative? KIDDING!

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  6. Joel...The entire combination of letters in the word is just BAD. It's just a bad, bad combination!

    otherlibrarian...I LOVE WINJA!

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  7. I listen to Dr. Laura all the time and she is BIG on being your husbands girlfriend...you know...he comes home, you greet him with a hug and sit on his lap kinda deal. So forever girlfriend sounds perfect to me! Wife sounds like you're old, married, don't have sex & bitch all the time...forever girlfriend is like ya we still get it on and I'm hot shit.

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  9. redbullfanatic agreed! I don't know who Dr. Laura is but she seems pretty right on.

    anonymous...'girlfriend' may sound high-schooly, but at least it doesn't have that ball-and-chain heinous nag sound that 'wife' does.

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  10. This is totally cute! When MIster and I got engage, the term fiancee seemed so impossibly weird, and when we got married being called his wife was totally strange!

    I think that you can be the kind of wife you want to be- for me the tert was ruined a little by high school guys calling their annoying girlfriends "The Wife" but the way I think about it now is that being a real wife rocks. And I'm really proud to use the word- I think it's hopelessly old fashioned, but I swear and know too much about twitter and the internet, so I feel like it's an endearing counter point.

    And I love turning around people expectations- being young and married definitely does that!

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  11. Completely agree. The only exception is when Tom Cruise in J.M. said,
    "I miss my wife...."
    It sounded wonderful at that moment.

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  12. Kyla--"fiancee" was really odd for us too!

    Chelsea--girlfriend status is pretty great.

    besswess--that would be one of the few exceptions where it does sound really sweet :)

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  13. I have to agree with everything you've said. My bf and I have been together for 9 years, we are not married yet. But, whenever we do tie the knot I dont want to be called wife.

    He somtimes refers to me as his wife to some of his friends, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I dont think I have ever once told anyone his was my husband. I dont think there would be anything wrong with that, but..well, its too hard to explain. lol.

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  14. Fiancee sounds French Poser to me...

    I'm lovin' "Forever Girlfriend"... 'tis perfection!

    And I shall call myself "Winja" from hence forth... even though I'm no one's wife.

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