Ho-Ho-Ho-rible Christmas Songs (and blog post titles. I'm sorry)

Friday, December 18, 2009

I'm picky about Christmas music. In general, I like Christmas tunes. I have my favourites: Kenny and Dolly, Hanson's Snowed In, Boney M, and Run-DMC's Christmas in Hollis to name a few. I enjoy the American Idol Christmas CD and Mariah Carey's holiday album. They're all fun and festive.

My take on Christmas music is similar to the little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead, like the nursery rhyme: when it's good, it's very very good. When it's bad it's horrid.

Christmas music that does not jingle my bells:

1. The Little Drummer Boy

Besides the incessant drumming throughout the song, the lyrics are stupid too. A newborn baby isn't going to smile at a kid beating on a drum. He's going to cry. Also, "the ox and lamb kept time?" O RLY? How did these musical animals pull that off? Stomping their hooves? Swishing their tails? Moo-ing and baa-ing?

2. Do They Know It's Christmas?

Answer: No, they don't. They don't know it's Christmas time at all, because they live in Ethiopia, and they don't celebrate Christmas. It's like someone asking me, "Do you know it's Yom Kippur at all?" Chances are I don't.

3. Blue Christmas

Elvis stammering the words to Blue Christmas makes me feel like getting hammered, not celebrating. Then there's the Porky Pig version. I have a low tolerance threshold for a stuttering pig.

4. Eight Days of Christmas

Beyonce and Destiny's other children list off the things their baby bestowed upon them at Christmas time. Among the Christmas haul: a cropped jacket with dirty denim jeans, a diamond belly ring, a foot massage and back rub, a gift certificate to buy CDs, and quality T-I-M-E. And a Benz. There's so much wrong with this I'm not sure where to begin.

5. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Masquerading as a jolly holiday jingle is a traumatizing childhood nightmare: an innocent tot catches his skanky mom in the throes of an affair. If I saw my mother in the living room making out with an elderly bearded man it would not be a happy Christmas in our house. Imagine how confused that kid must be. Is he mad at his mother for being unfaithful? Excited because now that Mommy has a close relationship with Santa the presents will be flowing fast and furious? Does he tell Daddy? What happens next? Bad scene.

What are some of the Christmas songs that make you wish you could fast-forward through the holidays?

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  1. I can post here too and continue stalking you! YAYYYY!


    Mine is def that depressing Christmas Shoes song... or Dominic the Donkey. HEE HAW!

  2. Christmas Shoes.
    The Elvis song (the song definitely irritates me).
    That song where the guy is talking about running into his old love in a store or whatever and were catching up on their lives (also depressing)

    FELIZ NAVIDAD - one of the most annoying songs to me ever

  3. @chicky824 YAY!! :) I haaaate Christmas Shoes too. Gross. I've never heard Dominic the Donkey but it sounds like a winner!

    @Valerie Wow, everyone hates Christmas Shoes! I like Feliz Navidad in smallish quantities.

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