mamamonday: the biggest scam of all

Monday, May 28, 2012

When you have a new baby, everyone wants to know how he's sleeping. "Is he sleeping through the night yet?" they start asking somewhere around month two. When you tell them, no, he still wakes up twice a night, watch as they visibly recoil from you and make a soft hissing sound and the kind of face you made when you saw the pictures of Britney coming out of the gas station bathroom barefoot. Then, witness the brilliant save. "Well, I'm sure he'll get there soon!" they say brightly, launching into a diatribe about how little Sally started sleeping all night long when she was just six weeks old. Feel your insides start to boil. Resist the urge to flatten both little Sally and her mother or grandmother or whatever old bag is doing the bragging.

The impending lack of sleep is one of the biggest fears you have when you're expecting parents. So, you decide to be proactive. You order a book from Amazon about helping your baby sleep through the night. For anonymity's sake, let's call the book WiseBaby. You read WiseBaby from cover to cover, folding down corners and highlighting helpful tips. You learn about how getting your six-week-old started on a routine of nap, eat, play will guarantee they'll be snoozing solid nights within just a few days. You read about how babies who don't follow this pattern are essentially degenerate infants. You KNOW you're not going to have a degenerate infant. You think, two months. Two months and we'll be back to our solid eight-hour-plus nights.

Baby arrives. Baby wakes up every few hours during the night - two or three times a night. You know you're lucky. Some babies want to party all night. You implement the WiseBaby routine. Nap, eat, play. Bath and book before bedtime. You sit back and wait for the WiseBaby magic to kick in.

Nothing happens. Baby still wakes up twice a night.

You panic. You re-read the book. You tear out the degenerate baby sections. You order more books from Amazon. You become friends with the UPS guy.

Baby still wakes up twice a night. He's three months old. Now he's four months old. You concede to the fact that you have a degenerate baby with societal and behavioural problems. You change the name of the "Baby University" bank account to "Baby Bail Fund" because how can you expect a newborn who wakes up twice a night to be headed anywhere but the clink? You resign yourself to never sleeping a full night again so long as the UnwiseBaby is in the house. You cry.

Here is what I've learned about babies sleeping through the night (because clearly spending a whopping six months around one baby makes me an expert in the field): You can't make them do it. Read all the books and follow the expert advice all you want and it won't make a lick of difference. You can have them on a routine, darken their room, put them down when they're sleepy BUT NOT ASLEEP!!, give them a chance to put themselves back to sleep...you can do it all until you're blue in the face but until that baby feels like sleeping through the night he's not going to do it. And you're not doing anything wrong, and neither is the baby.

I feel like baby sleep strategies are scams akin to fad diets. The same way North Americans spend 700 gazillion dollars on magical weight loss solutions every year, new moms are frantically spending their cash on books that promise a good night's sleep. I don't feel like there's any magical formula for getting your baby to sleep - if there was we'd all know about it, we'd all be doing it, and nobody would be tired. The only person WiseBaby helped put to sleep was me.

Eli started sleeping through the night around five months old, but when I say "sleeping through the night", I mean most of the time we don't have to check on him in his crib. About half the time, we'll hear a little cry on the baby monitor sometime in the wee hours. After a minute or two he stops and goes back to sleep. Occasionally he has a 4:00 a.m. meltdown and needs to be rescued after getting his legs stuck between the crib rails or getting trapped in a baby yoga pose in the corner of the crib, but for the most part, with the exception of a little restlessness, he's sleeping through. According to WiseBaby, we're waaaay behind schedule and Eli is a punk ass baby. I feel like we're pretty lucky.

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16 comments

  1. I did exactly all that. Worried like crazy with my first child too. I then congratulated myself noisily when she slept through at 6 weeks, then she changed the rules and then slept through again. I had suceeded where all others had failed! Then along came Miss Lily who definately had second child syndrome and made me realise I had no clue WHATSOEVER. She slept through at 18 months old! I used to drag myself into work and laugh hysterically at anyone who had no children and dared to mention they might be tired. But now one is 8 and the other is 5 and they are happy, social little bunnies and Miss Second Child Syndrome still acts up and I think always will, its part of her delightful little character

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    1. They definitely like to keep you guessing. Just as soon as you get used to one behaviour they love to change it up. Being able to go with the flow is so important and so hard for a control freak like me.

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  2. All it really takes is logic. Every kid is different, every mother is different and no two scenarios (even night to night) are the same. In many ways, trying to confine yourself to one method or strategy is just going to make you either a) go completely crazy or b) make you feel like an utter failure. Sounds like you guys have a great grasp on what works and doesn't work for your family and that's all you can really hope for.

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    1. I think we've finally figured out a magic formula. "Sixty percent of the time, it works...all the time" to quote Anchorman :) It definitely varies from kid to kid!

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  3. We tried the "three hour schedule" of eat/play/sleep, we tried putting him in our bed, we tried putting him in his crib, we tried letting him cry for 8 minutes and then going to get him - I have no idea what finally worked, but Topher started sleeping through the night at about three months. If he was teething or going through a growth spurt he'd wake up once or twice every now and then but for the most part, he's always been good about sleeping through the night! Although Friday night he WAS up seven times ... Like you said, they like to keep you guessing! Even when they're two ...

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    1. We were doing the three hour schedule for a while too. I think it just takes time for them to learn that sleeping is awesome :)

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  4. Hell to the yes on your point in this post. Drowsy but awake can kiss my sleep deprived ass. The only thing that's helped us not wake up so often is his own room and an earlier bedtime. Nap time routines are still an abomination and I was making myself crazy trying to make it happen. About all we can do is learn about how much sleep babies need, recognize tired cues, and try desperately by ANY MEANS to get baby to sleep before the overtired meltdown.

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    1. Putting Eli in his own room helped us a lot too! He's a noisy sleeper - kicks, sighs, snores, grunts, and so on. He didn't get into a naptime routine until he was a few months old...it'll come. He was napping around 9, 12, and 3 and now he only naps twice a day for the most part - 9:30-11ish and again around 2-3. It does get nice when their naps are more predictable. Definitely easier for mama to plan her day!

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  5. My daughter started sleeping through the night 8 hours at 8 weeks and 10 at 10 weeks so we were definitely lucky. Everyone told me that breastfeed babies never slept through the night and I was happy to prove them wrong. Now my daughter is 2 and still is a good sleeper but- she is giving me a run for my money as a toddler. She pinches me when she doesn't get what she wants and refuses to pee on the potty. What's my point- maybe Eli will be an easy breezy toddler for you since he was finicky about sleeping at such a young age. In case you're wondering, I am absolutely terrified that the next one will be the complete opposite and not sleep at all.

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    1. I hope your new baby is a good sleeper too! Eli hasn't pinched me yet but he has slapped my face :)

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  6. I hear it's just time. Every baby is different. Caleb JUST starting doing 8-8! Though it's all going to implode now since i typed this out. EFF MY LIFE.

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    1. Haha I know what you mean - it's scary to say it out loud/type it for fear that you're jinxing yourself!

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  7. ellie started sleeping "through the night" at five months, just like eli :) and clearly she's the smartest, prettiest 3-year-old to ever live, so i think it only makes sense that eli will be the same when he's 3, except we'll describe him as the smartest and HANDSOMEST.

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    1. Well, if Eli follows in Ellie's footsteps we'll be lucky parents :)

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  8. I don't think there is anything you can do apart from your current routine to help. We've read all the books, follow the same routine every day and it's still hit or miss at 9 months old. Just when he seemed to get into a routine for two weeks he's gone back to waking up at 4am. It cant last forever right?

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    1. Yeah, we just try to stick with our routine, be consistent and hope for the best! They definitely like to keep you guessing :)

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