"Numbchuck skills...bowhunting skills...Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills"

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

There are a few simple skills I would like to master,  but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get the hang of them:

  • The art of applying eyeliner. I feel like I have weird eyes or something, because when I try to replicate what looks hot and effortless on EVERYONE ELSE I end up looking like a raccoon with an allergy problem. I can do the upper lash line of my right eye, no problem. When I try to do my left eye the line gets all crazy and crooked. Then I don't know what to do with the bottoms. Inside the rims? Outside? Why is it smudging? Why does it make me look so tired and haggard? Why does everyone make it look so easy? No one has ever taught me to apply eye makeup correctly so I'm like a lost baby in the woods. I usually just end up wearing lots of mascara, which is like frozen pizza: impossible to eff up.
  • Getting my hair to hold a curl. I have straight, thick hair and it doesn't like to curl. I even invested in a fancy curling iron but all I seem to be able to do is get the ends to flip up. Am I holding it wrong? Wrapping it wrong? Do I need to be using product? Should I just give up? 
  • Painting baseboards and trim. I can use all the painter's tape in the world and it still looks like our trim was painted by high children. Solution: Install wider, pre-painted trim.
  • Making perfect scrambled eggs. I know that the secret is to cook them over a low heat and they turn out perfectly fluffy and pro. I get alllllllmost to that point - and then I get impatient and crank the heat. And the eggs end up browning. So we've waited 35 minutes for meh eggs. Not worth it.
  • Driving a standard. I've tried and failed. I have shed many tears over my inability to drive a standard, especially when I look around and see complete idiots doing it left, right and centre. My problem is letting the clutch out too quickly and stalling the car every single time. Well, I have places to go and I don't have an hour to sit around letting my clutch out all day. 

What supposedly "easy" tasks do you find impossible? 

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  1. hard boiling eggs - I always undercook them, even when I think I overcooked them

  2. I have never tried to hard boil an egg! I can see how it would be tricky.

  3. Bahaha this cracked me up! As for the eyeliner thing, try just not using any on the bottom. I have really round eyes so I look ridic. if I put eyeliner on the bottom.

    Things I suck at:
    1. Baking. No matter how closely I read the recipe, how much I try to set all the ingredients out, I always end up missing a step, switching the order of the steps, or short on some crucial ingredient. I am a good cook, so i'm guessing this is more of an "attention to detail" problem.
    2. Responding to emails. Seriously, no matter how much I try, I always have a stack of unresponded emails to address.
    3. Sweeping. Yes, as in with a broom and dustpan. It takes me forever because I do it slowly so I don't overshoot the dirt past the pile, and I still end up chasing dust around. I also can never get all the dirt into the dustpan, no matter how much I shuffle it.

  4. Hahahaha, I love this post!! Grilled Cheese...seems simple, two slabs of bread and cheese...but I always ALWAYS, somehow burn it!

  5. I haven't read this all the way yet but let me just recommend about the eyeliner thing: GIVE UP. And then go buy yourself a nice gray/purple-y color shadow (I alternate between Trax and Copperplate - you have green eyes & light skin like me so chances are it won't look horrid) from MAC and one of their small angled brushes (the really tiny ones - http://www.maccosmetics.com/product/145/289/266-Small-Angle-Brush/index.tmpl). I use this instead of eyeliner and it is SO much easier. You can control the amount better and it doesn't get all weird/smudgy. I swear by it!!

  6. I can't curl my hair to save my life either... And have also never figured out the eyeliner on the inside or outside of my bottom eyelid...
    Personally suck at: cooking any kind of meat in any way besides my counter top George Foreman grill. I always think I'm undercooking it so I leave it in longer and end up with burnt meat. So I turn to the frozen pizza. ;)