Fighting the Fall Fatties

Monday, October 25, 2010

It's that time of year. The evenings are getting darker, earlier and earlier. The mornings are also dark - and cold enough to freeze the proverbial nuts off a brass monkey. Terms like "comfort food" and "TV night" sound appealing. "Exercising outside" does not. My friends, it's Fall Fatties time. Proof?

-Hubby and I stayed home Saturday night to make baked mac 'n' cheese. We used three kinds of cheese. And truffle oil. We ate the whole dish and then passed out in a cheesy, carby coma in front of the fireplace.
-Running outside has become painful. My chest hurts and my poor old knees have started to ache on especially chilly days.
-When choosing outfits I tend to gravitate towards shirts based on their ass-hiding ability and pants with a leeeeeeeeeetle extra stretch.

Fall Fatty season is here. It starts extra early here in Canadialand with our early October Thanksgiving gluttony. Then there are the leftovers. Then there are a couple weeks of trying to replicate the fantastic pies/cookies/stuffing you had at Thanksgiving dinner in your own home. Next up is Halloween, which comes bearing those mini-Mars Bars and tiny bags of chips - none of which are that bad on their own, but who eats one friggin' fun-size ANYTHING? Not this bear. Fast forward to November, when holiday parties slowly start to pop up on the calendar and things like eating an entire wheel of cranberry-brie cheese and a box of crackers in one sitting just start happening inexplicably, and by the time December rolls around with all its advent calendars and peppermint gingerbread fattes, it's nothing to consume your own body weight in eggnog and shortbread cookies on a weeknight, and suddenly, it's New Year's Eve and you're sitting on your couch crying into your pinot noir and inhaling your last Terry's Chocolate Orange, section by glorious section, depressed as shit because you're too enormous to fit into your party dress and go out with your friends, and HOW IN THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN??!!

Don't act like this hasn't happened to you.

In an attempt to nip the Fall Fatties in the bud, Hubby and I are going to get our gym memberships this week. I hate going to the gym. I hate encountering naked people in the locker room. I hate Chatty Cathys on the next treadmill that want to talk to me about supporting minor hockey and buying tickets on some massive fruit basket when all I want to do is listen to Chris Brown on my iPod and complete the Intermediate Lakeside Run on level 6.5. I hate the Jersey Shore cast that hangs out in the weight room grunting and walking around with their arms extended two feet to either side of their torsos because their muscles are just SOOOO BIG they can't put them down like normal people. I hate the temperature, the weird smell, the bad techno music, the TV hogs that insist on watching the news (!!!) or the country music channel (!!!!!!) when they work out, the gym bunnies that are wearing more jewelry and makeup to use the StairMaster than I wore to my prom. When I go to the gym, I look like a hobo, not a debutante.

Regardless, keeping the Fall Fatties at bay is a goal and therefore I'll suck up my gym bitchery and get a membership. I'll just wear my iPod at all times, avoid making eye contact with others, and do my thing every day. It beats the alternative of doubling in size by spring. Plus, you KNOW that giving up eggnog and shortbreads is NOT an option. I have no choice but to gym it!

You Might Also Like


  1. haha this is hilarious. And SO true. I'm in the same boat - I'm the WORST for sticking to a gym routine but I'm determined to stick with it the next few weeks, 3 times a week. The mental image of me at 300 lbs by Christmas will keep me motivated!

  2. Love this post. Laughed out loud at your cheesy, carby coma - we had one of those after Thanksgiving!! We'd had a pot luck style dinner for our friends and we'd made a giant broccoli cheese casserole with a whole POUND of cheese in it. It was beyond ridiculous :)

    Have you thought about getting gym equipment off kijiji? I had the gym for the exact reasons you listed, but I've got a few weights, a yoga mat, resistance bands and a used treadmill and it's ALL I need. Plus you can plonk it all in the living room and watch What Not To Wear so it makes running time go WAY faster :)

  3. Ahhh yes, winter weight. My favorite! ::gag:: This time of year my body starts prepping like a bear for the hibernation that does not occur in humans. It's lovely! I fight a horrendous battle every year coming from an Italian/Sicilian family who's many holiday gatherings mean a min. of 3 hours of appetizers, then 2 hours of dinner followed by more desserts than a bakery has. Further erradicating my waist this holly jolly season is the fact that all those people who said "When are you two going to have a baby!?" were apparently psychic. Lord help me and my love for food, and ever expanding waist. Goodbye 125... It was a great run.

  4. A) I don't think "Amy" and "fat" go in the same sentence, ever.

    B) This was actually kind of motivating to get off my butt.

    Matter of fact, I think you should know that I think of your dedication to running/fitness quite often when I start to feel pangs of guilt for not working out. I just bought a month membership to a yoga studio within walking distance of our new house, so that's my start. I also plan on trying to run around the neighborhood in the morning, now that I will be living in a less-sketch area.

  5. I busted out the Fall Fatty sweaters the other day; thick, chunky and long!!

    I always feel that as soon as Thanksgiving hits it's downhill from there...

    You know what's fun? Eating an entire bag of "fun sized" peanut butter cups! I never feel bad eating 6 or 7 because they are individually wrapped... where's the rational behind that??

  6. ugh I know exactly what you mean. The weather turns cold and I start eating like a family of twelve and suddenly it's May and I'm standing in front of the mirror in a bathing suit gasping in horror. It's been especially bad since I moved to Switzerland. All they eat here in the winter is cheese, potatoes, and chocolate.
    Fortunately not having a car means my lazy butt has to walk everywhere.

    Good luck with the gym. And don't mind the Barbies and the juiceheads. Obviously the gym is the peak of their social interaction so you can just pat yourself on the back in your superiority as you kick butt on the treadmill.

  7. Kim - I just bought a gym membership tonight, eek. Now that there's money spent I feel like I should actually go!

    Emily Jane - Thanksgiving is the ultimate food coma day! We do have a yoga mat, bands, and a couple light free weights kicking around - plus some P90X videos when I feel like doing them :)

    Jenilee - a 5+ hour meal sounds like my idea of heaven. Italian food is the best!

    Sarah - aww! thank you! Pete and I got our memberships to the gym near here tonight. Includes skating and swimming, so there are FUN things to do in addition to punishing ourselves!

    Pink Peacock - thank goodness for fall sweaters. And I love how you rationalize eating the fun size PB cups :D

    Ellievator - I am so jealous of you and your Swiss diet. I would gladly walk up and down the Alps daily if I got to feast on Swiss chocolate and cheese on the regular!

  8. HAHAHAHHAA A 5+ hour meal is TOO MUCH FOOD! LOL It's all homemade ravioli and spinach breads and pepperoni breads and chicken parm ugh. It's so tasty but after having eaten a meal BEFORE that with my Mom's side, it's TOO MUCH FOOD!! Feel free to go to Xmas dinner in my place this year! hahaha

  9. and i was juust looking forward to going home and enjoying a triple stuffed grilled cheese. comfort food at its laziest (and tastiest).

  10. triple stuffed grilled cheese? elaborate please!

  11. SO TRUE! I went into Fall Fatty mode last fall and never got out of it. So this year I'm trying to turn things around. But all the delicious fall foods are making it very hard!

  12. I agree... I'd like to hear more about this grilled cheese...

  13. ask and you shall receive!

    it's called the Westside Monte Cristo at Melt Bar and Grilled in Cle. I think you should come visit.

    Westside Monte Cristo:

    honey ham, smoked turkey, swiss, american, beer battered, mixed berry preserves
    (not sure why i thought it was triple cheese--- but it IS delish)

  14. I'm sort of worrying about the same thing. My gym membership expires in the spring, but it's there through the winter for a reason.