Halloween used to be one of my favourite holidays. What's not to love about dressing up so you're unrecognizable and going around the neighbourhood bumming junk food? I'll tell you what's not to love: The smell of old people's houses on Halloween.

One of the things I remember most about trick-or-treating was the smell of old people's houses. You know what I mean. It kind of smells like dusty apples mixed with old snowsuits that have been hanging in the basement/attic all summer. A musty, old-peopley smell that's probably caused by their skin turning to dust or whatever happens when you become so ancient you're practically disintegrating.

While the houses didn't stink exactly, the smell was noticeable, and obviously memorable, and not in a totally awesome way, either. I remember one house in particular just had the most distinct, old person smell. I remember anticipating it before the door opened, every year. I remember thinking as soon as we got in the driveway, "oh no, the house that smells like old people, and sure enough, the world's oldest woman would open the door while the world's oldest man sat in his La-Z-Boy watching Live at 5.

This makes me worry.

What if OUR house smells, too? And we just don't realize it because we live in it?

Not old-people smell of dusty apples and brittle bones. But just...a distinctive odor. One that we have become so accustomed to, we're immune. What if everyone that comes over is assaulted by our rank house smell???

What if the kids who come trick-or-treating remember our house as "the one that smells weird" and don't want to come back next year?

What if the snotty moms who bring their kids right to the door (so they can stick their heads into the foyer and get a good glimpse - I'm on to you nosey broads) notice our secret funk and whisper to all the other local bitches and we don't get invited to the neighbourhood Christmas party?

What if...what if the people who have already been there think our house smells off? Then it's too late.

I'm actually legit stressing about this now. I'll be burning the pumpkin-scented candles at both ends all day Sunday leading up to trick-or-treat time. They can say what they want about our decor or the quality of the treats we give out but I'll be damned if we get branded as the Halloween house that smells weird. This is going to be one fragrant mofo.