It's a good thing I have a positive, upbeat, and resilient personality, because first thing this morning, as I was running on the treadmill, my eyes AND ears were assaulted by the Jonas Brothers as I tortured myself on the treadmill. 6:30 is way too early for that kind of shit. Thanks, MuchMusic, for treating us to an early-morning viewing of the latest video offering by these three assclowns:



I feel bad for teenage girls today. Who are they supposed to have Tiger Beat crushes on? It's either these three amigos or Zac Efron. Neither option is particularly appealing but I'd do Zacquisha every day and twice on Sunday before I'd succumb to a Jo Bro...not that that's an issue since they're alleged virgins. At least we know Efron is getting some, since his girlfriend takes naked pictures and emails them and they end up on Perez.

I'm just not looking at them and seeing "teen heartthrobs". I'm sadly a little old to be the target demographic, but even as an "older woman" (sob, sob) I don't understand the appeal. There are definite hair and eyebrow issues. There is no bad-boy interest. There's no element of danger or excitement. There's not even a metrosexual, at-least-we-can-share-beauty-products-and-be-friends vibe. They look like kids that hang out in the computer lab at lunch and eat bologna and mustard sandwiches on white bread. They probably suck at all sports except maybe badminton, know waaaaay too much about dinosaurs, and are allergic to peanuts.

When I was in high school, I don't think I ever had a real celebrity crush. I had a pretty major obsession with Kurt Cobain in middle school, and I did swoon a little at Ben Affleck in Armageddon. I thought the Silverchair lead singer was kind of hottie for a minute before he turned all eating-disorderly and gaunt. I do remember being one thousand percent enamoured with Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block in elementary school, listening to Step by Step over and over ad nauseum and putting the NKOTB posters that came in Honeycombs and Alpha-Bits up in my room. That's embarrassing.

But as for the Jonas Brothers, I'm not feeling it. I do not appreciate them being played between 6:30 and 7:15 am, especially when flanked by Miley Cyrus and some mandatory Canadian content that no one's ever heard of. Running four and a half miles before breakfast is quite enough punishment without the extra little knife-twist of crappy pop tunes and horrendous dancing.