With three days down after a year-long hiatus, I'm realizing there is a lot - a LOT - of really, really basic stuff about going to work that I'd forgotten.

1. You have to get up absurdly early. Like, still-pitch-black-outside, turn-on-the-bedside-lamp-and-do-the-squinty-eyed-mole-thing-for-ten-minutes early.

2. You have to increase your caffeine intake by at least 50% to function. If you're a two-cup girl on your days off, you gotta do three on work days.

3. High heels are the absolute worst. Ditto wedges. There's a reason I have been wearing flats for the past two years and it's because heels are Satan's footwear. If you have to remove your shoes in the car on the drive home, you're doing it wrong.

4. Speaking of the drive home: every assclown who can barely operate a motor vehicle in the city is attempting to get out of town at the exact.same.time. as you so be prepared for a lot of sitting in traffic. Bring some good tunes, maybe a snack, perhaps a magazine, definitely some Ativan.

5. You have to use your big-girl words. Saying "Good JOB!" in a falsetto voice when a coworker performs a basic function like, say, throwing an apple core in the garbage can, is not a good way to encourage people to take you seriously. Remember: You are talking to adults. You are not talking to an infant. 

6. Nothing feels better than getting home and shucking off your clothes in favour of yoga pants, a hoodie, and fuzzy socks.

7. Correction: nothing feels better than picking up your little guy at the end of the day and getting your first bear hug in 10 hours.

(Yoga pants are a close second.)