Why dogs are better than children: 10 of 25897234 reasons

Monday, December 20, 2010

1. Dogs do not go to university. Fun fact: if you have a baby today, the projected cost of his or her tuition at a public university for four years is $257,113 (a whopping $524,579 for tuition at a private college. Side note, my eggs better start looking for part-time after school jobs NOW if they want to get some book learnin' in God knows how many years when we decide to grace the planet with offspring). Tuition for dogs: $0.

2. Dogs don't dirty diapers. I would rather pick up Rory's Tootsie Roll-esque turds off the sidewalk and carry them around in a little baggie any day, when the alternative is wiping up diarrhea that looks like guacamole. Bonus point for dogs: they poop twice a day and they are predictable, unlike babies, who spew from both ends pretty much non-stop, so I've been told.

3. Dogs love you no matter what. Your adolescent dog isn't going to decide to hate you one day. They are loyal to a fault. Conversely, your kids will probably wish you dead hundreds of times in their lives.

4. Shopping for dogs is cheaper than shopping for children. You can get a dog a $4 bag of treats and a $2 chew toy for Christmas and it'll be like winning the lottery. You can't give a child a $4 bag of treats and a $2 chew toy and expect them to be satisfied. On the Santa Claus call-in show on the radio, the other night, a kid asked for a new laptop, PS3, and an iPod touch. A dog would never do that.

5. Dogs do not need a room full of furniture to call their own. They're OK with a corner, a soft blanket and a little carrier.

6. Dogs don't cry when you throw snow in their faces.

7. Dogs don't swear or ask you where babies come from.

8. Dogs don't need to be bathed very often, and when you do wash them, you get to laugh at how skinny and teeny they look with their fur all soaked.

9. You don't have to have "the talk" with dogs. Although apparently they can still get STDs.

10. Rewarding dogs with food when they do something good is not only OK, it's encouraged.

Edit: I forgot some really obvious ones:

You don't need to push a 10-pound dog out your vagina to acquire it.
You don't need to give up coffee and booze for 9 months when you decide to get one.
You LOSE weight with a new dog (all those walks!) instead of gaining it.

I think the advantage is pretty obvious.

Bonus: They're sooooooooooo cute. Proof?

Much better than the alternative.

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  1. I'm going to be blunt, here:

    Can I have your dog?

  2. LOL all so very true! i can't believe kids are asking for so much expensive stuff now a days (and often, getting it) - yikes.

  3. No way dude, dogs are like kids that never get smarter. They are loyal without cause, loud, stinky and make demands on your time. At least a kid can answer the phone for you or drive you to the doctors once your eyes get bad. Plus kids don't bark! (Did I mention they get smarter)
    I'm sorry, your dog is really cute, I just can't let this sort of internet injustice go unanswered!

  4. OH! I forgot the most obvious one: you don't have to be pregnant and give birth to a dog. Nor do you have to give up alcohol and coffee for nine months to have a dog. I think that clinches it. Dogs > children

  5. ahahahahaha Yes, dogs are easier!! Ourbaby's not even here yet and it's thrown our lives for a loop!

    I can't believe how big he's gotten already!!! They grow SOOOOO fast!!!!

    PS - If my baby looks like that, I'm sending him to you.

  6. LMAO I am sending this to my husband... I'm still in the "really? me? babies?" phase and lots of this could EASILY apply to cats too. And yes, we've had the "but what if I love my cat more than my child" talk!

  7. I totally agree! Who wants to give up booze and caffeine anyway?

  8. Here is another one!

    When they misbehave, you can lock them in a crate. And unlike a baby, you can leave them home unattended - no need to fork out cash for a sitter. That's a huge bonus right there!

  9. Really? Comparing humans to dogs?

    For anyone who doesn't have kids, it's like trying to explain to someone who's been blind from birth why the Caribbean Sea is beautiful. Or to someone who's deaf what's so great about the Beatles. They just wouldn't get it.

    Dogs are animals who would go with another owner in a heartbeat if they had to - they also die within 7-15 years.

    When you have a child, despite the inconveniences, they are a part of you. You would literally give up your life for them. The joy a toddler or small child gives you is unbelievable, they are a miniature version of you, and you're best friend.

    Sorry all you kid-haters, if you ever have one some day, you'll know.

  10. This was totally meant to be tongue in cheek. Obviously I have no idea what it's like to be a parent! I'm sure it's wonderful and probably the most rewarding experience you can have. I think this post was mostly inspired by people saying a dog was preparation for a baby which got me thinking about all the differences between the two, nevermind the blatantly obvious. As someone who isn't a parent, looking at it from the outside is terrifying.

  11. Totally understood Amy, I was just being the voice of descent in the comment thread (with the exception of Traveler@large).

    I realize now it came across as overly serious - that's what 4 glasses of wine on Saturday night can do.

    Awesome blog by the way, I catch up on it every couple of weeks - it so funny. Great writing!