I have been listening to the 24/7 Christmas music radio channel for a week now, in the car, at work, at home, everywhere I go. This means I have heard every Christmas song at least 20 times, even the really horrible ones, like "Christmas Shoes". It has also given me a chance to really listen to the lyrics.

The most disturbing conclusion I have come to is that "Baby It's Cold Outside" was just a 40's version of "Blame It On the Alcohol". As in, uber creepy. Let's take a look:

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight
To break the spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride?
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

C'mon baby

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh darling, it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm - Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips are delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your coat - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - I thrill when you touch my hand
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me?
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Think of my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

(Lyrics courtesy of http://www.stlyrics.com)

Um. Creepy. HOW IS THIS A FEEL-GOOD CHRISTMAS CAROL? Can't you just imagine some smarmy smooth operator with slicked-back hair trying to feel you up while you're just trying to politely enjoy your whiskey sour? It reminds me of trying to extract myself from the unwelcome embrace of a slurring, Jagerbombing cheesedick at the Alehouse. NOT GOOD.

Behold the lyrics to "Blame It On The Alcohol" (paraphrased a bit because this song is actually THE LONGEST SONG OF ALL TIME):

Blame it on the goose
Got you feeling loose
Blame it on Patron
Got you in the zone
Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol
Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol

Ay she say she usually don't
But I know that she front
Cause shawty know what she want
But she don't wanna seem like she easy
I ain't saying what you wont do
But you know we probably gonna do
What you been feeninn deep inside
Don't lie now

Girl what you drinking ?
Gonna let sink in
Here for the weekend
Thinking
We can
See what we can be if we press fast forward
Just one more round and you're down I know it
Fill another cup up
Feeling on yo butt what ?

You don't even care now
I was unaware how fine you were before my buzz set in, before my buzz set in...

Oh see
She spilled some drank on me
And now I'm knowing she's tipsy
She put her body on me
And she keep staring me right in my eyes
No telling what I'm gonna do
Baby I would rather show you
What you been missing in your life when I get inside.

(T-PAIN !)

Girl I know you feel good
Dancing like you look
Couple more shots you open up like a book
I ain't trippin? (cause I'm a read ya)
Shawty I ain't trippin? (I just want to please ya)
I'm a take a shot of nuvo
Shawty then you know
It's goin? down we can go and kick it like judo (judo)
You know what I mean
Shawty got drunk thought it all was a dream
So I made her say ahh, ahh ahh
Now she got her hand on my leg
Got my seats all wet in my ride (all wet in my ride)
All over my ride (all over my ride)
She look my dead in the eye, eye eye
Then my pants got bigger
She already knew what the bigger
Had her looking her boyfriend like ahhh ahhh

Now to tha ballas popin' bottles
With their Henny in their cups
Screaming money ain't a thang
If it ain't throw it up in the skyyy (sky)
And hold your dranks up highhhh (high)
And to my independent mamas
Who can buy their own bottles
If you looking like a model
When them broke fellas holla
Tell them byeee (bye)
Hold your drinks up highhhh (high)

(Lyrics courtesy http://www.azlyrics.com>

SO.

Let's compare.

Baby It's Cold Outside: sung by a horny man.
Blame It On The Alcohol: sung by a horny man.

Baby It's Cold Outside: attempts to get a girl drunk in order to hook up with her.
Blame It On The Alcohol: attempts to get a girl drunk in order to hook up with her.

Baby It's Cold Outside: alludes to boners ("I thrill when you touch my hand")...we all know that thrill means sport massive wood
Blame It On The Alcohol: alludes to boners ("She look my dead in the eye, then my pants got bigger")

Baby It's Cold Outside: sounds like a horrible defense in a sexual assault trial ("But...but...it was snowing! It was up to her knees out there!"
Blame It On The Alcohol: sounds like a horrible defense in a sexual assault trial ("But...but...she got her hand on my leg! Got my seats all wet in my ride! All wet in my ride!")

Conclusion: they are the same song. And they are both disgusting. Gentlemen never existed and ladies in the 40s were still getting hit on by creepers - they just had better grammar.