On Saturday I bought Spanx. There's really no point trying to intro that statement any other way. It's one of those things you've just got to come out and say, so there you have it. I bought "shapewear". Industrial beige and everything. Percolate on that for a second.

Here's a little background: My wedding dress isn't a big, poofy, structured affair. It's not a froufy gown that will stand up on its own without a hanger. There's no taffeta or tulle or whatever other frilly fabrics you'll typically find busting out the window seams at Winchester's. It's pretty sleek and fitted and while it's lined, it's a relatively light fabric.

In the interest of not giving some of our older, frailer guests a heart attack by an accidental peep show, I decided I should invest in a slip. That being said, my dress doesn't have a ton of leeway for a baggy loose slip. As well, it's got a pretty deep v-neck in the front AND back, which limits the lingerie one can sport underneath it to some pretty specific styles. Girls, you know what I'm talking about.

I scoured the lingerie stores in the mall but was unable to find any slips that didn't have more ruffles than the potato chip aisle, or fur-lined hems, or "HOTTIE" emblazoned across the ass in neon (what's up La Senza!) Disgruntled, I resigned myself to the fact that I would get married looking like a tramp in a see-through dress. Then a coworker, who was a bridesmaid in a wedding recently, opened my eyes to Spanx.

"They're awesome," she raved and went on about how Spanx make you feel tighter and trimmer and hold everything in place. This girl weighs about 80 pounds--what the hell did she need Spanx for? "You should always wear them under your dresses!" she insisted. Well, if she's buying Spanx, maybe I should suck it up and buy Spanx, too. It's not that I need to be sucked in, but it would definitely be a good alternative to the baggy rumply granny slip, right?

On the weekend I hoofed it to a dressy-clothes store that I normally associate with grandmothers. Right away I saw it--The Spanx Display--Spanx of all shapes and sizes hanging limply like a bunch of rabbit skins tacked to the wall of a shed*. I sidled over and looked around to see if anyone was watching me. I pretended to be looking at old-lady suits and blouses and kept glancing furtively at the Spanx-es.

It was really reminiscent of that feeling you get when you're 12 and you have to buy maxipads for the first time and you have to make sure none of your friends are in the drugstore--total flashback. You pretend to be looking at the Clearasil and the Bonne Bell lip smackers, and then, quick as a flash, you snatch the Always or whatever the kids are wearing nowadays and toot boot 'er for the cashier with the shortest line, with the pads hidden under your YM magazine? Remember that feeling? I just got the nerve to face the Spanx-es head on when out of NOWHERE a saleslady screamed in my ear, "CAN I HELP YOU!?"

"Imgettingmarriedandineedaslipandthisgirlatworksaidtheseweregreat!" I hissed back at her, breathless with embarrassment.

The saleslady was very nice and helped me pick out a half-slip that wouldn't interfere with the cut of my dress but would provide some coverage. She also made a point of giving me a size small, which I appreciated. We got to the cash and she started to ring me through. I began to relax. I was going to get out of the store without being noticed!

"JEAAAAAAAAAAN, ARE THE SPANX FINAL SALE?" she suddenly shouted and held the Spanx OVER HER HEAD WAVING THEM BACK AND FORTH at one of the other store staff. I looked around. A couple customers glanced over. Shut up, shut up, shut up...I felt my face go red.

Of course, Jeaaaaaaan couldn't hear her, and she had to yell it AGAIN across the store. Jeaaaaaaaan said she thought they were final sale but to check with management. I didn't care if they were final sale, I just wanted to get them wrapped and paid for and get the hell out.

"RAAAAAAAAEEEE! ARE THE SPANX FINAL SALE?" she yelled again at the store manager. Raaaaaeeeee was, of course, tiny and trim and very snotty looking. She gave me a piercing look--I swear to God, she looked from the Spanx to my GUT to size me up--and said "Yes, we don't do returns on any of the Spanx," with a little lip curl, as if I looked like I planned on going home and cleaning my toilet with the Spanx and trying to return them. I turned redder. Then I realized my Spanx half-slip cost $80. EIGHTY!!!!! They better make my ass look fan-effing-tastic, I decided.

Finally I escaped with my Spanx. My little secret. I got home, and the first thing I did was rip the Spanx out of their tissue paper nest and tried them on.

They do the trick. They hide any VPL. They prevent see-through issues. My ass doesn't look fan-effing-tastic. But it's OK. I was happy with my purchase.

Now you know all my secrets. I wear Spanx to formal events.

*I've never actually seen rabbit skins tacked onto the wall of a shed but I can imagine they look like Spanx.