Back(ish). This time, with more feelings.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

I've had a little unexpected, unplanned blog break, and I've enjoyed it. Whenever something starts to feel more like a chore than fun, I've finally learned to take a step back and leave it alone for a while, rather than forcing myself to make an effort, whether it's running or writing or crafting. After all, we *have* to do enough unpleasant stuff in the run of the day, why fill our free time with something we aren't enjoying at the moment?

Lately, blogging and, to some extent, the internet in general has mostly been irritating me. I struggle with how much to share and how much to hold back, how genuine to be versus how censored in case a family member or frenemy or client stumbles upon this space. I find myself editing and deleting and posting so many drafts that never see the light of day that it feels like a big waste of time.

And honestly? I'm also having trouble with a lot of the type of content I'm seeing in my blog feed. I know it's not the case but it feels like everyone is either pregnant or training for a figure competition. Every post feels like a fetus growth update or progress pics of someone's insane abs in a bikini. Meanwhile I'm over here freaking out about putting on a bathing suit for a family vacation and, more importantly, struggling - a LOT - over whether or not we're going to have another kid. I'm really agonizing over it and for other families it feels like it's just such an easy decision, of course we'll have another! So every single pregnancy update I see every damn day - while I KNOW it's great news, and I'm 100% happy for these people - feels like another little dig, a reminder that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. It's hard. It's a hard debate, there's a lot to think about, there's no right answer, and seeing other ladies with growing bellies makes me sad and mad and defensive and frustrated. I won't get into all our pros and cons here, but let's just say I'm trying to focus on being happy and content with the family I do have, with less emphasis on feeling jealous or anxious or judgemental or whatever else I'm feeling as I run through my blog feed.

ANYWAY. Now that I've got that off my chest and am feeling much better, I hope to start posting somewhat regularly again. Stay tuned for summer bucket lists, Pinterest fails, and running training plans gone awry.

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  1. Aww, Amy. Nice to see you again.

    About this post, isn't that the truth. I do the Google check on the regular, and there's nothing super bad - just about my love of music and the writing I've done so that's good.

    I feel for you about the almost inherent pressure that occurs with, well... life! It's like, if you're single, why aren't you dating or married? If you're married, when the crap are you having kids? If you have one kid, when will they have a little brother or sister. It's so annoying and assumptive, and almost puts this internal guilt on a person to always have to answer the eternal question. When in reality, you don't have to answer to anyone, nor are you on some sort of timeline. You're awesome!

    My friend posted this video from The Social yesterday ( about etiquette and I have seen/heard people do all of these horrendous things!

    Take care! <3

  2. The kid thing is easy for some people, but it can also be a really hard decision. We were definitely set on at least two, so having a second was a given. Once we had two, we were like "Woah, no way we can handle any moreeeeee," so that was a pretty easy decision.

    (I did second-guess myself a little, and wonder if having a third would be a good idea, but then the option was taken away entirely so I don't have to think about it anymore.)

    It's someone everyone has to decide on their own, based on their own reasons. And if you're really, truly stuck right in the middle and can't pick a side, I'd opt for having another -- I don't think people ever regret having kids, but they definitely regret not having them, so ...?

    (This comment is too long and probably makes zero sense.)

  3. so nice to see you again. I know how you feel, making the decision on whether or not to have another child took up way too much of my thoughts for a long time.

  4. Oh...the baby debate.

    It started for us as soon as Cameron was born, peaked when he turned one, and then was full blast the closer we crept to his second birthday.

    And now I'm knocked up/preggo/with child...sigh....again. I'm not a good pregnant person.

    I really was on the fence about having another one. I had a good pregnancy with Cam (minus the high blood pressure), and a good labour and delivery. He's a cute kid, fun to be around, and gives the best hugs and kisses. So why do it again?

    What did me in was when I was home at Christmas time and I was flipping through a photo album that we had made mom a few years ago. And I saw shared history and memories. My immediate reaction was "ahh...fuck...I need to have another one."

    So here I am, 25 weeks into forced sobriety, having my innards kicked around by a squirming fetus. And I'm happy. Our table for three will now be a table for four, and Cameron will get to be a big brother and will have someone to make memories with.

    *sappy sappy hormones*

  5. Oh, man. My husband and I have been married for three years, together for ten. You can bet we've felt the heat a time or two. "When are you getting engaged? When are you getting married? When are you having kids? What are you waiting for? Now is the time, don't wait." Lately though, the baby talk has died down and it's become a subject people tip-toe around. See, three years as husband and wife and still no baby can only mean: We've tried, we can't, we're depressed, and we're jealous of others who can conceive. I've had someone ask me, "Does that make you sad?" after I heard news of a friend getting pregnant. I've had someone insinuate that we should be focusing on "other things" instead of planning a Vegas vacation. Like, really? If THEY ONLY KNEW how much fun we're having and how little we stress about it.